A frustrating eureka!

This eureka moment I had this past week is really a blessing and a curse.
But it represents a huge step in my journey! Put very simply, I have discovered after talking with my pastor recently that the root of most of my problems is that I have very low self-esteem. Wow that's simple and kind of anti-climactic! But so crucial. This is the main reason for my despair, depression, inability to truly accept God's love and bouts of extreme desperation that drives me to do very stupid and bad things. I couldn't understand why I have moments where I feel so desperate to get away from something but this is what I have been trying to get away from. And it's gotten so bad I need medication to avoid it too. This is very good to know.

But it also is soooo frustrating for me because I thought I dealt with this already when I went through a similar time in my teens. God eventually corrected my destructive ways and as I got older and accepted more responsibilities I gained more confidence in my abilities and felt better about myself and my world. Looking back now, I realize I mistook confidence in my abilities for a strong sense of self-worth and they are not the same at all. My thorn had not really been removed but I thought it was and I carried on for years as if it wasn't there.
When I realized all this, I'm so glad I was with my pastor because the frustration of feeling trapped in the same problem over and over again all my life triggered one of those bouts of extreme desperation and that's why the eureka is also a curse. I am at least better enough to write and talk about it now without getting really upset but it's still there and now I have to deal with it better somehow.

I just realized right now that Bjork's Hyperballad expresses exactly how I am feeling and what I have been doing to myself emotionally. Alas, it also makes me upset. I better not listen to it too often although it's such a beautiful song.
Antestor's Betrayed is another song I can really relate to but elaborating on that may be too much info or just not necessary anyway.