Starting the 12 steps of recovery finally

I've wanted to do this for a long time but you need a sponsor to go through the steps (first outlined in the Alcoholics Anonymous book in the 30's) which are the basis for every 12 step program like AA, NA, MA, CA, OA etc... But I'm not sure if I wrote it here before, I think I did, that I had a very bad experience with a sponsor before. When I first tried to get clean I met an outspoken lady who insisted she be my temporary sponsor and to trust her and call her if I was ever having a bad time. So I decided I would take a risk and called her when I was feeling really self-destructive. I told her I'm really feeling shitty and I just cut myself. She freaked out and was like, you're just replacing one addiction for another one etc... and she was pretty much yelling at me and putting me down for what I did. So I never called her again or went to the meeting I met her at. All she did was make me feel worse, although some of what she said was truthful, her approach was very aggressive and I don't tolerate that well at all. Some people say tough love is what's needed for people like me, the truth is quite the opposite. If anyone is 'tough' on me, I will either explode and/or never see them again. So after that, I've been wary of trusting people enough to be a sponsor for me. This fear has lasted years. Until after months of being regularly at MA I noticed a very friendly woman who has the qualifications to be a sponsor.

We've recently started step 1 which involves admitting you're powerless over marijuana and your life has become unmanageable. We use the workbook which goes into alot of detail. The first session was just answering one question: what early life experiences led you to using? That was a hard question because I opened up to her and told her details of my childhood that were very painful, mostly concerning my mom. I felt a bit emotionally triggered by that but I was happy that I could share that with her. And she was very kind and understanding. Now we've gone through more questions related to the first step. Basically, what was my using like? How did it affect my life? Am I ready to say I don't want all that anymore? I'm already clean for almost a year and a half and still going strong (most days) so hells yeah. No matter what, I don't want to ever go back to how it was. It was just too horrible and incredibly difficult to get out of. Yes we shared funny/crazy/sad/dramatic stories from our using days but that's not worth it to go back. To be honest I kinda miss my mushrooms, it always resulted in interesting experiences but I know I would get addicted to them if I tried again. And that would blow my brain to pieces.