I was talking about myself to someone at Bible study and I realized a few things as I said them. The beginning of my summer was pretty good this year as I was barely able but actually did finish my semester and with great marks to boot. And then I got excited to plan my wedding. Little did I know that my heart was in the wrong place to deal with that kind of significant planning. I had been spiritually weak. I wasn't really spending time with God and didn't pray much if at all about the wedding planning. I went into full perfectionist princess mode ie. bridezilla and quite self-centered. I started to notice it but I couldn't stop it myself. I tried and started hating myself instead. And that is not a good state to deal with everything the idea of getting married triggers (at least for me):
- It's a lifetime commitment and I don't have a good track record of stability in relationships
- His parents are my parents now. I'm scared because my parents were not comforting and it's another set of people possibly judging me
- His brother and sisters are my siblings too now. 2 are doctors and in general they all seem so normal and functional
- His extended family is mine too. They have large gatherings where they show so much love to each other. This feels weird for me because my family is not like that. I feel like a freak trying to fit in
- I miss my mom more. I wish she was here to meet my fiance and his family and help me plan the wedding
- No sense of identity to begin with and now I'm changing it to being married
So all these thoughts and the planning itself and hating being a princess and being confused about who I am combined and dragged me down into self-destruct mode. Finally, I understand better what happened to me to end up locked up again this year.
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