I'm a happy creep

Happy? Not distressed? Not anxious? Not hating myself? Actually kind of proud of myself? Happy to talk with people? A stillness or peace in my soul? WHO AM I?

I better not over-analyze it because I might ruin it that way but I've been feeling pretty good on and offish for about 2 weeks now. Certainly there are some issues these days, mostly going to bed a bit too late and spending a lot of time looking at silly/fun/interesting stuff on the internet. I might be tiring out my friends on facebook... And playing Mario Galaxy 2. I've also been playing card games on the computer, I love Spider Solitaire with 2 suits. Anyway, I know that it is a kind of precarious situation I'm in. I have TONS of free time. Which can increase laziness and I was afraid it would and maybe it has but not very badly I think. Because what I'm so happy about is mainly how it went last week when I led Bible study in Mark and starting the 12 steps again with a new sponsor in MA. I'm finally working on my spiritual life and it feels awesome. I had a great bonding time with my brother but this left me with little time to prepare to lead the discussion in Bible study later that day. I was so anxious. But once it got started it went so well. Everyone had interesting things to say and there was a good mix of joking around too. I felt it was the perfect combo of learning about God through Jesus' teachings and actions, getting to know each other and having a good time. I was useful! God used me for His glory and that's the best feeling in the world, doing what I was created to do.

Another big reason I'm happy with myself: I sometimes like to read the comments on this blog and I noticed that a few years ago I was so scared and paranoid of people that I couldn't even email someone half way across the world who was wishing me well. And that's when it hit me. I'm not paranoid of people any more and I didn't even notice it happening. This problem used to bother me a lot because as Christians we are called to be shepherds to those around us and to be a successful shepherd you have to at least like or love the sheep (meaning those around us). But I spent most of my life either being scared of people, hating everyone and everything including myself, or only seeing the dark side of human nature. In other words, I hated sheep. I wasn't looking at them properly. Now I think I am starting to get a more truthful perspective on humanity partly thanks to 12 step meetings and church/small group because they put me in situations where I talk to strangers and get to know them over time. It used to terrify me to talk to a stranger but it has usually been a blessing when I did.

Oh boy, what happened to not analyzing this too much... I admit I'm a bit worried it will abruptly end and I will crash but whatever, I'm enjoying the moment. And fall. This is my favourite season.

Oh yeah, I say I'm a happy creep because I looked through some old pictures and found 2 of my favourite nurse at the psych ward. He wasn't really allowed to but he let me take the photos so I could draw him later (I drew portraits of people in the hospital to pass the time). He told me to delete them when I was done but I didn't. And never will! MUHAHAHA. Yeah I like looking at him sometimes. He's somehow so charming and cool and chill and caring... I have good memories of chatting with him, although he did get mad at me sometimes like when I tried to hide a knife from supper to use on myself later but I dropped it and he was like "BUSTED".

Well, on that slightly less uplifting note, I will go to bed now since it's 1:33 AM and try to not stay up until several hours later like I have been lately.