I made the difficult decision a month ago to take a semester off from school to seriously work on my spiritual life so that I may use God's strength and not my pitiful usual amount of strength when it comes to dealing with life. I've HAD IT. I've been hospitalized for my mental illnesses about 14 times now in 6 years. It's RIDICULOUS. I saw a new psychiatrist at the Douglas and he said I'm a severe case of BPD. And that really means something coming from a doctor working at a mental hospital. I almost feel like I won a medal or something. I'm severely sick! Finally people believe me and that my suffering is real! And also discouraged. He made it sound like my small local hospital is not equipped to deal with me and that I have not really gotten better in 6 years of treatment. I got used to my doctors telling me that I have progressed a lot and that I'm really not that bad any more. But they reminded me that I have accomplished some things.
Things to be proud of:
I moved out of my dad's house 2 years ago.
I stopped taking drugs and drinking
I am a straight A student in university
I know how to pay bills now and have stopped over-shopping for shoes and clothing
I go to MA meetings twice a week
I go to Bible study once a week and actually led the discussion this week and it was awesome.
But always the addicted one I have instead spent far too much time on facebook everyday. I'm really living like a bum. Haven't cleaned the apartment in forever, haven't showered in over a week, asking for money from dad because we've been putting off applying for welfare because we're so lazy, I have become a Minesweeper and Hearts expert...
So I am putting my foot down. By writing this post I am telling myself to get my act together. First 2 goals: return to normal sleep schedule by going to bed latest 2 am and finish forms for welfare.
Also, I got a new sponsor for AA/MA. Must do the homework she gave me by tomorrow.
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