that tell me what to do. I realized this after crying and getting really down on myself after I talked with the in-laws about the wedding budget. I'm just not used to it. My dad was always in his own bubble and never told me not to do anything when growing up. I knew I could always get my way with him. My mom hated being a mom and insisted I think of her as a sister or friend and then of course she was sick with cancer for most of my life. No one told me what to do. My mom and I argued over minor things like what I was wearing but nothing like 'you have a curfew or can't go there or etc'. I don't think I ever got grounded for anything. And I could always buy what I wanted. So now I'm a princess. A Christian, metalhead, goth, addict, mentally ill princess. That combo doesn't even make any sense. How can I be materialistic and spiritual at the same time? I'm just a mix of extremes and I hate it.
Today at AA I shared that I feel like I live in a valley surrounded by snow-capped mountains. It takes just a pebble to fall and it triggers avalanches of emotions that bury me. Just because the in-laws are trying to be reasonable, I fucking hate myself all over again. I thought I got over this problem dammit.
And now I miss my mom. Another contradictory feeling. I wish she could be with me and I wonder what she would say as I planned my wedding. I wonder if she would make me more upset or be helpful. Probably both. Hating myself and missing my mom. What a poisonous combination...
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