I see the light!

And up I go again! But this time may be different. It started in the DBT group where they had talked about the idea that we all got used to having so much emotional pain (since we all experienced terrible trauma at young ages) that we would seek it out or prolong it by dwelling/indulging in it. Pain became a comfortable friend so we would replay terrible events in our lives in our mind or cause more pain to others around us or hurt ourselves physically. Also, it validates us in the sense of, I have all this pain so I'm allowed to be miserable, be the victim and behave inappropriately as I want since I have to live with the pain. Kinda like two people competing to prove whose gone through more trauma than the other. I found this hard to understand and apply to myself. So what, am I purposely being re-traumatized every time something or someone reminds me of my childhood? Is it my fault my memories haunt and pain me? They said no, it's unconscious. My mind keeps bringing up the past because I haven't dealt with it and keep avoiding it with drugs and alcohol. Somewhere deep inside I am angry and can't accept what happened to me so I can't let it go and move on. I thought about this and figured it must be true but also it must be very deeply hidden because I'm not aware of any actual thoughts like that about my past. All I'm aware of is the crippling emotional and physical pain and anxiety I get every time I think about it. They concluded that I've got to face and deal with the past with my individual therapist, something not easy to do but they encouraged me to get working on it. And then I felt like going to a pub or something anything to get rid of the anxiety I was getting just thinking about dealing with my traumatic past. But I didn't. I already had plans to see friends and it was the middle of the day so no one would want to go drinking with me anyway. But I definitely felt so stressed. Basically I was told I have to do the one thing I unconsciously have been dreading for years.
Then this morning I prayed about it and said "Dear Lord, in the name of the amazing name of Jesus Christ, heal the pain in my heart so that I may be completely free. I know You are the ultimate Healer and I believe You can and want to heal me and I trust in Your timing. I will be healed." And I don't know if it was from God directly or just me thinking about it but I could see myself really living free! I could actually picture myself stopping the drugs and excessive alcohol since I just wouldn't have a good reason anymore to take them. I could see myself being comfortable with myself and living with less anxiety so I could freely pursue my creative and career passions and generally being alot less scared and sensitive about everything. With no more deep emotional pain there's a massive weight lifted from my shoulders and I can more freely take on life's challenges. Free! This vision has blown me away with the hope it gives me. It's like I finally see the end of the nightmarish tunnel. It's taken 7 years just to understand that I have trauma in the past and I need to deal with it by surrendering it to God and letting Him heal me. So it might take years more to be actually healed, or maybe not but anyways I can see the light at the end. I pray I hold on to this, especially if I start feeling suicidal which I think will happen alot less if I have this hope anyways.