amateur mycologist

Ok so I didn't really say it here but I've been growing 'special' mushrooms for about a month now and it's going really well. Lots of fruiting going on. Yes it is a bit crazy as a personal project but I just really wanted to try them and it was proving extremely difficult to find and thanks to the internet I realized it's possible to grow them yourself so I thought why not? So I've learned alot about mushrooms now and how they grow and such and it's actually pretty interesting. How does my faith factor in this ridiculous behaviour? Well I actually prayed about the project and asked God to bless it. I think He knows my stubborness and gives me the freedom to make sometimes not the best decisions and then I learn from them. Should this really get in the way of my relationship with Him I will eventually stop. Same with all my self-destructive BPD fuelled behaviours, with His help of course since I can't do it alone. That's why I started the new DBT group today. It was so stressful though. I just hope they help me change my distorted perceptions of people and situations and give me better coping skills. Does it make any sense that I try to be dedicated to Jesus but still screw up so much, consciously and unconsciously? Well I guess lots of Christians are like that and not just me. Oh great here I go again, trying to earn Jesus' approval when He already died for me knowing how flawed I am. Why is it so hard to stop judging myself and trying to be perfect? He knows and accepts I have BPD and sometimes act stupidly and selfishly. Stop feeling guilty!