visiting family in new brunswick (a slip)

It was great for my fiance to meet my grandparents finally, I think they liked him. My grandma was like, oh he's handsome! And it was great to meet my friend who moved there for the summer. We went to tasty pubs with blueberry beer, went to pretty beaches and just had a really good time overall. The not so great part was that we had to stay at my aunts as usual and she was even more irritating this time. She's the most shallow, selfish bitch I have ever known. She takes being annoyingly korean to a whole new level. Her status and how she is seen by others is all that matters to her. And of course that her children out-compete me and my brother in looks and future careers. Luckily her kids, my cousins, are super laid-back and don't care or think like my aunt does. But there she goes, first thing she says to me when I come in the door, "oh you gained weight! But it looks good on you." I actually lost weight but I still have a tiny belly and she's hoping it gets bigger by bugging me about it. I know this sounds paranoid but after all the behaviour I've seen in her, and the fact that my dad agrees with me about her, I know why she's always staring at my clothing and my waist, she's analyzing how I dress and look and comparing me to my cousin and herself. Granted, she does alot for us when we stay over, but it's only because she would look bad if she didn't and she gets bitter about it easily, and let's us know we should be thanking and praising her up the wall for it.
Maybe it was because she stressed me out, or the upcoming moving, but I got super cravings for any mind-altering substance that wasn't alcohol. It was really scary actually, it became an uncontrollable obsession and my mind couldn't think of anything else. I had to get something and it was the only thing that mattered. I couldn't think of consequences or whether it was a good idea. I decided to look around the house since my uncle's a family doctor and finally went into my aunt's bedroom bathroom, opened her drawers and scored big-time. She had large quantities of Ativan and clonazepam, both are tranquilizers. I stole some, put them in a bag and said to myself, I'll just have one or two a day and it can last me a couple weeks of occasional fun. Boy was I wrong. I took 5 or 6 that day and then thought it would be fun to mix with alcohol (you never mix meds like that with alcohol). I just couldn't think straight or logically. The only thing I could think is how to get more high and that was priority number 1. I can't describe how trapped my mind was, there was only one thing that mattered and I couldn't snap out of it. I ended up throwing up and my fiance noticed how I was acting different and he threw the rest out while I was sleeping. I was mad at him but after a few days I was able to think more normally again and I realize he may have saved my life by taking them away. I've been feeling embarrassed, depressed and guilty ever since but also vengeful in a way. I know now my aunt takes psychiatric meds and obviously takes them for a reason, probably anxiety. Ha! I found out her secret and stole from her! She was extremely nosy about the meds I was taking a while back so there. Still obviously I shouldn't have done that. Now I have to recover and use other ways to deal with stress. I'm still having cravings though, I searched my room in case there were any drugs I missed before. Ugh. I'm just gonna try to stay busy with the moving and treat myself carefully and take care of myself. I learned my lesson at least for now, I can't control my addiction so I have to stay away from certain things. I can't have just a little like some others can.

Blueberry beer with actual blueberries floating inside.