testimony

A couple weeks ago our church decided to shake things up a little and have people share what happened to them in the past year that they were thankful about instead of the usual sermon. This was because our pastor had the flu and spent the night before and the night before that just throwing up. I didn't know about this beforehand and just showed up like everyone else. During the singing he turned around and said, "would you like to share your testimony? For about 10 minutes? Sorry this is so last minute." Frankly, I've sometimes fantasized what it would be like to share my crazy personal story in front of my church but I also pictured having time to prepare. But it felt like God was telling me to go ahead so I said yes. I spent about 15 minutes sharing what happened to me in summary form over the past 4 years and I was so nervous I was shaking and tearing up the whole time. But I just went with the Lord and spoke and I was never at a loss for words. I started with the fact that I'm a recovering addict with mental illness. And I described a bit the hell I went through, the suicide attempts, being in the psych ward 5 times, having to be high at all times and what it took to get better. I ended with the statement that I live for God now. I should have died many times but I'm not thanks to God. And He's kept me alive to help others so that's what I live for now. I still have BPD so if there was no God or He didn't care, I would gladly kill myself because nothing is worth the suffering of living. But God is there and has a purpose for me, so that's what I live for now. My life is not really my life, it's God's to use as He pleases. I heard amens and sounds of agreement when I said this and everyone clapped at the end. Then people came to me and thanked me for sharing my story and said how inspiring I was to them. One even said to me he gave up drugs too when he became Christian. Everyone said I expressed myself well and wow, it felt good to tell everyone. No more hiding or feeling ashamed of what is a huge part of me and my experience.
I asked my brother how he thought it went. And he pointed out that I did actually have practice over the holidays with my grandparents and cousin. The most rewarding moment of the holidays was finally telling my grandparents thank you for coming over when I was in the hospital to help around the house and always praying for me and getting to tell them what happened to me over the years. I told them pretty much everything, that I did cocaine, grew magic mushrooms, stole my dad's money for everything and was completely trapped by addiction, always having to be high. I told them about BPD and how it got worse with all the smoking up and drugging I did and how it feels to be constantly suicidal. Then I told them how I got better by being in the psych ward, then going straight to rehab and doing group and individual therapy along with God's support the whole way through and how I got an A+ in biology. By the end of my testimony, my usually stoic grandparents were in tears and said how proud they were of me. I'll never forget that day when I could honestly share everything with them. They were shocked, saddened and then delighted. I've never felt so close to them and I'm so thankful they're happy and proud of me.