deadliness

Fighting addiction is the hardest thing I've ever done. Nothing compares to the struggle, not getting my bachelor's degree, not performing in front of hundreds of people, not completing a satisfactory painting, nothing. And yet, if I lose, it all ends in tragic, premature death. It's hard to think of it that way but the deaths of 3 people I know are painful reminders. The most painful was of my good friend who I did alot of drugs with and I'm shaken that I survived and he didn't. I feel like I contributed to his demise even though he was a stubborn and heavy user. And then there's the lady I became friends with in the psych ward who said she was an alcoholic and bipolar. She told me of the husband who was divorcing her because of her drinking and her lovely daughters who came to visit her. She commited suicide a few months later. And now I just heard that the guy I thought I helped at the AA meeting by giving him a number for MA has also just died. I heard it may be suicide as well. What's crazy is that his thing was only marijuana and yet it still drove him off the edge and caused him to lose his job. I mourn for all these people. I pray that their souls will finally find peace in the Lord. And I hope they will remind me that I just can't give up, even when that's what I want most in the entire world.