anyone can

Anyone can go out, buy crap and get high. Anyone can snort and feel good or drink and get drunk. It's nothing special. Anyone who brags about smoking up, getting buzzed or blasted out of their minds are only confirming that they are behaving like losers. So why am I stuck in it, again? Not everyone can play music, not everyone can do a nice painting, not anyone can teach others well, and yet I can and don't. I'm so scared of people, of pressure and of pain I'd rather inflict it on myself than by others. I don't know how I'm supposed to stop this time. I'm getting trapped and I'm not even sure I want to escape. Whatever, I'll still try to paint and write and tab music. All in baby steps. Meanwhile I pray to Jesus for guidance because I don't know the way forward anymore.