School and life in general has been the usual crazy up and down and up and down and sort of medium right now-ness. First I got better as I said in my last post, then I gradually got worse and worse thanks to not keeping my spiritual life a priority. I stopped going to MA, I stopped going to church, I stopped praying and figured that I could get by just going to Bible study once in a while. I was so wrong. I had a week and a half where I couldn't get any work done or go to any classes and then when I was visiting my old dealer and his wife, I had a slip. I went to his room alone and found lines of blow just sitting there. I couldn't stop myself. I took some and got really high. Almost 3 years of sobriety gone. Gone in one moment. It felt horrible, then amazing and then horrible again since I became overcome with guilt. I told a church friend what happened and she told me to pray. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I forced myself and it was the best thing I could have done. I realized that guilt is from the devil, not God. It is used to keep us enslaved to our sinful addictions. That's why Jesus sacrificed Himself and took on our guilt. We don't have to carry it any more. We are free to choose life over sin. I am free to choose not to do more drugs and to move on with life. And that is what I have done. As part of Easter service I gave this testimony and many people came to me saying it was inspirational and how brave I was. It was actually recorded and is on the internet. Eep! Oh well, why should I be ashamed to be a drug addict? We all have our addictions.
Anyway, I now am in final exam season and it is really stressful. I have been praying everyday, going to MA and church. I now know just how badly I need Him. I've been too behind but I prayed and thanks to God one of my profs is letting me do their exam a bit later. I still don't know if I'll get through this end of semester in one piece. I have urges for drugs pretty often now and every night I dream of them but I know God is with me no matter what.
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