maybe finally processing the past

I've been getting the feeling these days that I am looking back a lot and for a bit I tried to fight it, you know not supposed to dwell on the past etc. But then I think maybe I need to. I thought at first that I had done this already seeing that my usual triggers are things from the past that land me in the hospital sometimes. But actually all I've really done through that horrible cycle is to just react to my past, mostly by rejecting it and not being able to tolerate it. I would try to pull the plug on my life out of sheer desperation and panic as a reboot that could kill the computer but hey, what choice do I have? Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Thankfully I am not that desperate any more. I think (and hope) that I've finally learned not to make my situation worse by self-destruction. But now I am left with a nostalgic bittersweet kind of surreal feeling underneath all my thoughts. Maybe it's time to fully understand what happened to me as a child, accept it and move on.