The black hole and the volcano

I'm not sure I've written this before but whenever I try to picture what's in my heart/soul/whatever that's me inside my body I only see black nothingness and feel a black hole there. It is terrifying to sense it there, its powerful destructive force always threatening to annihilate me. Sometimes I can mostly ignore it though I could always feel a sort of desperation underneath my daily activities. But some other times I would panic and try to numb all my senses to better ignore it which only sped up my self-destruction and drove me closer to the black hole. This obviously becomes a vicious cycle where I am propelled ever closer to the black hole and I begin to lose my judgment, my principles, my memories, my passions, hope, endurance and connection with others until I can only see darkness. Eventually, because I have so little of me left to endure the fear and pain, suicide seems to be the only option. I see that this is the process that drove me for the last 7 years, somtimes slowly sometimes quickly. 

I wanted to explain where I think the black hole came from and the volcano part but this is upsetting me and I just want to relax today. I'm gonna play random games, knit socks and watch Netflix or something. Not that I haven't been relaxing. I've been doing those things for several days now. I've hardly left the apartment in a week. I really hope this is because I just really need it to de-stress from getting married and not because I'm avoiding things or something. I've also still been processing the past a lot in my head which takes more energy I think.