I'm in happiness debt

Getting high is like borrowing feel good chemicals from your brain for the present moment instead of the future moments they are meant for. It's like you got a credit card for the first time. And of course what happens is you end up in debt. And of course debt is always harder than you think it is to get out of. And then it compounds and can spiral out of control as you keep borrowing just to stay sane and deal with life's unforeseen shit. Well I'd like to start paying it off. This means exposing myself to life's shit without getting high. Sigh. Well that can't be so bad can it? I don't even remember what I was running from anyway. I think the shit has subsided somewhat in my life right now and as much as I would love to just keep running away to give myself a break, I need to keep moving on. God I hate that though. I'm bad at moving on. The past still haunts me I think. And the memories of being traumatized by the past haunt me too so it's like an inescapable haunting inception thing. I'm pretty sure this is why I have such a bad memory for anything. People used to make fun of me for it. A friend in high school used to say that she was on the highway but I was on the service road and it frustrated her. Well, it frustrates me too. Still. But I see now why my memory is so self-centered. I only remember what I want to remember. It was and is an old way I figured out probably when I was young to deal with stressful situations. But it has it's drawbacks and I don't know how to stop it. Anyway, went off on a tangent. I think. I'm just so confused these days. Maybe the point of all this is that I am becoming a pillar of salt.
No wait, the main point here is that I'm hoping to stay clean tomorrow. Full 24 hours. But I'm starting DBT group therapy again tomorrow afternoon at my case worker's insistence. I so badly don't want to go. It'll be my third attempt and every time it is stressful as hell. You talk about difficult things with complete strangers whose problems are just as intense as yours. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife. It sucks.