Now that I'm home, I realize my trip to Korea was a real high for me and now I'm alone and in the dumps again. It was nice to have a mother figure in my aunt who watched over us and helped plan our days. Now I'm alone again but maybe it's just that I'm childish and that's why I miss someone babying me.
I've also gotten very discouraged about my mysterious condition and it really doesn't help that I feel I can't trust anyone. I'm so tired of trying to figure things out, trying to do the right things to get better when I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I guess I put too much of my hope on the health system here and psychiatrists but really, I don't think they can help me anymore. I don't think they know what they're doing half the time. No one really knows what they're doing, least of all myself. I've thrown out all my medication and I don't want to see any doctors anymore. I'm totally fed up with trying to get myself help. Maybe I don't need it anyways. I don't know anything anymore. I wish this sense of desperation would stop and I would stop doing senseless destructive things. I'm just becoming more and more a fool.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
ahhh hun i definately can empathize with that feeling when coming back from such a long trip. when i came back from italy i had spent so much time with these people, and i realized when i got home that i would probably never see a lot of them after and i just had this empty feeling ... i mean i know its not the same but i can certainly appreciate how hard it must be. Im happy you actually enjoyed your time there though :) i woulda loved to have been there with you.
ReplyDeleteAs for the whole mental health system...i too think at times it isnt helping me. And it isnt for everyone. certainly medication isnt, but i would highly recommend still keeping an eye out for therapy that might be benificial. from my experience i always feel worse when im not talking about it to anyone trained in that, but..i see your point. its different for everyone. another thing is you should never stop meds cold turkey, it can really throw your brain out of whak and you can definately fall into a really bad episode if suddenly there is no more of it in your system.
Also the desperation thing is something you gotta constantly work at (ive had it for about 10 years now) but ive heard that eventually you can find yourself in a better place with less anxiety.
I also hope you know you can trust me :) i am always here for you and i may not always be good with words but i always support you n__n i miss you and i cant wait to see you!