i look like a man

sure it's debatable. some people say i'm pretty, certainly my bfs did, but generally i look like a guy in the mirror. sometimes i wonder if i'm bi or something. again a symptom of bpd of course, but really i often look like a man to myself. a manly woman which is rather ugly to me. but what can i do? i wish i weren't so shallow but it does bother me a bit. especially when i'm in korea. over there i'm chubby (skinny over here in canada) and overall dumpy/ugly. nothing special. no double eyelid or big eyes or straight hair. oh great now i sound like i'm complaining. well i guess i get this way when i'm drinking. the truth comes out. i'm still a pained and unhappy person. i can only pray that God will heal my heart. these days i'm finding it harder to control the drinking. i think its' from stress from family visiting. they are the shallow kind who can only laugh at what they are afraid of. no discussion of any serious kind and very snoopy and Lord knows i have alot to hide. i'l be visiting them next week so i might not write for a while at that time. don't want them seeing this. stupid normal people.