eeeehh

heeey, pretty out of it right now. hello me how are ya? mostly drunk otherwise i wouldn't be writing this right now. weed makes it hard to do anything including typing. but somehow alcohol gives you more energy to do what you really feel like doing. Geez. help. i'm too scared of life. i don't know how i managed before. all the living on the edge, just making deadlines by this much doesn't work anymore. i was super repressed and in denial and that's how i functioned. i thought i was the opposite of what i really was. my case manager says i fell off the horse hard and got trampled too with a few wounds. yikes. now to get out of this mess which i truly do want to do. it's just i'm tired of trying so hard. i tried so hard in rehab, then it was my mom's b-day and then i had nothing left. i need to recharge somehow. i DO want to be sober but at the same time, it's like what's the point? it takes so much effort to feel clear-headed and miserable. but i know that God wants me to be sober and then help others so it has to be a top priority to stay clean. arg.