what I did

I tried. I really did my best to take care of myself as it became my mom's b-day. I had a few clean friends come over and that was really nice, I cooked for them. Couldn't go out much though because I wasn't clean myself. I spent a week and a half mostly in a sort of trance, tripping balls, riding a roller-coaster I can't remember too well. But, as I reasoned with my psychologist, I figured that would be better than going really nuts and succumbing to the destructive delusional ideas in my head. I was this close to going to the mausoleum, breaking into the glass case of my mom's spot, eating some of her ashes and spreading my blood there. Somehow in my brain I truly felt that that would make everything better and I would feel better too. But of course, there's the more rational side of me which could see that it was a crazy idea. If someone caught me doing it, I'm sure they would have called police, I'd end up in the hospital again etc... plus I would have had to fight my good friend who would have accompanied me since I'm sure she wouldn't just stand by while I snapped. I guess this all makes it pretty obvious how sometimes I really do feel like I'm crazy but at the same time I'm not completely crazy because I can see it. It's confusing. So anyway, I got stoned and tipsy instead. But now, I don't like being sober again. There's too many sharp edges in experiencing life. My mind tortures me. Being sober sucks. Did I even really belong in rehab? I never stuck needles in myself nor was I dying from too much alcohol/crack etc.
But obviously this is a relapse. After only a month since rehab. I feel like I failed. I see people in the 12 step meetings and from rehab who are still clean and so content with their lives. So much happier and free than they were before. One girl with BPD too from rehab said she was chosen to be a speaker at an AA meeting. She suffered way more trauma in childhood than I did, got more addicted to stronger stuff than me and for longer and now she can speak at a meeting while I can't even stay clean a few weeks. And I can't stay friends with most of these people neither because I don't want to trigger them or influence them to slip too. I don't know what to do about my group therapy thing. I'm not sure I want to or can stay completely clean anymore. I'll go crazy without drugs but they will make me more crazy. Damned if I do and don't. Well, one good thing is that it's not February anymore.