A long awaited appointment

So I'm finally supposed to see a psychiatrist soon but now I really don't want to. I just don't see the point anymore. I've been through so much and I'm getting better and I don't think I can explain everything in just an hour since there will be no follow up. They're just going to almost arbitrarily prescribe me more meds. Plus, it pains me alot to explain my mental problems in detail. I don't know. Really, I don't know what's best for me anymore physically speaking of course. Aren't I supposed to have a better support system around me medically wise at least? It's hard to go out and figure out what programs are out there for people like me...

Some more revelations

Praise God! He is finally starting to heal me and I'm so thankful. Mostly He's doing it by letting me have little revelations about myself, one at a time. I think the first one is what I mentioned about my mother in my entry about my trip to Guatemala. I finally admitted to myself that I had done things I regretted to my mother and vice versa and I never got to deal with it because she passed away. I wish we could've talked about how she wasn't always the greatest mother when I was young and how we both got lost in New Age garbage and should've trusted Jesus more. Maybe she would still be alive if she didn't get into New Age healing and I didn't encourage her in that direction. These are painful thoughts and memories but the truth really does set you free. I can feel I can start to let go of my idealized, eulogized version of my mom and remember her for who she really was: an imperfect human being who loved me and needs forgiveness from the Lord just like everyone else. I got so used to remembering her as being full of dignity, always well-dressed, proud and all-knowing. She always knew what I was up to and even what I was thinking! But seeing her become so sick, it was startling to see she was mortal and couldn't keep up her dignity just like anyone else who is dying. Maybe that was the only way she would finally become humble enough to receive God's grace and go to heaven...

Another major revelation: it finally hit me just how much I hurt God when I tried to live my own way with my boyfriends. For so long I felt sorry for myself because of the painful consequences of my sins and I got so frustrated at myself because I couldn't seem to stop but I was never actually sorry for them. But now that my eyes have been opened I am so sorry to God for my actual sins! What made it worse was that I didn't just forsake God's ways and go my own way, the whole time I thought I was following God but I just twisted His truth to justify my evil ways. How could I soil the Lord's name like that? Even in our best intentions the Devil soils us. Now I am content to live in humble obedience, keeping an open ear for God's guiding voice.

I also realized that people with depression are probably the most aware of how sinful and broken they are. They see the truth about human nature and thus despair over it. After all, part of the definition of depression is a strong sense of guilt and worthlessness. So, all they need is the Good News since they already got the bad news!

Med Hevede Sverd Antestor tab finished!

I just finished the tab for this awesome song and more will follow for Antestor. As usual I have it in gp5 format and pdf so it's available to everyone! I'm pretty sure there are two guitar parts but I just melded them into one playable track plus some piano when there is no guitar part. The pinch harmonics in the solo sound a little wonky but if you listen to the actual song and follow with the notation it will make more sense.
I had fun tabbing this song. It's simple but catchy with time changes and just challenging enough for my level.
Tab for Med Hevede Sverd by Antestor:
gp5 format:
http://www.fileuploading.net/273605

Edit: The link below got changed or something weird so I uploaded it again, so here it is again
pdf format:
http://www.fileuploading.net/422969

June 2011 edit: ok stupid uploading sites suck. I'll update all the links in a new post within the next week. is there a better way to do these things??

Some alternative fashion talk

I thought I might start talking a bit about fashion here since it's another way I like to express myself. More specifically I like Victorian goth, cybergoth and gothic lolita styles. So, I will mostly talk about my purchases from the occasional store and the internet or things I want.

The first item I want to talk about is my new arm bracer. It's hand-made, real leather and was on sale. It was made more for LARPer's in mind but I love how heavy metal it looks. If something wearable is mostly black, with metal on it, then I will probably like it. It's perfect to wear to a concert and works like armour if you get stuck in a mosh pit!


Armour designed for the Middle Ages works for metalheads too

I used to looove Brown's, the shoe store, especially in the late 90's when I was 12 or 13. Now, I think it has gotten better compared to some past years but it's just not as interesting anymore. Maybe because they made a designer section which is insanely expensive and moved their cutting edge shoes there. Anyways, I've collected their catalogues over the years and there is one pair of boots I can never forget about. They have huge platform soles and look like they're from outer space which is awesome. Admittedly I don't have much cybergoth clothing that would go with them but that's not important. Oh how I wish I bought them when I had the chance! But my mom wouldn't let me, me being only 13 and such. I wonder if there's a pair somewhere out there, in my size and preferably black instead of the blue which I saw in store...


this image is from the 1999 catalogue I saved. I can't believe it's been 10 years!

tattoo is finished

Finally! And it turned out so well. It's not as detailed as I originally wanted it to be but it still looks complex which is the point. And I also love how it twists around my arm! I've made a lifelong commitment to have this tattoo that represents Christ and the Lord on my skin and forever in my heart, no matter what.

Antestor tabs planned

So a quick Google search has shown me that there aren't very many Antestor tabs out there which is a darn shame! So I will attempt to remedy this, starting with my favorite songs from them: everything from The Forsaken, Jesus Jesus Ver Du Ha Meg (including the crazy solo), Mercy Lord, Demonic Seduction, Searching, Inmost Fear and there's probably more but I can't think of them right off the top of my head right now. It'll be a big project but fun!
I think I will start with Med Hevede Sverd!
Meanwhile I'm slowly trying to learn Towards Dead End by Children of Bodom but I'm not used to scales and arpeggios so it's frustratingly tricky... Learning my own tabs of Kalmah has been easier which is awesome because my speed is improving!
ps: If anyone who plays guitar is reading this, please do not hesitate to request tabs. Especially if they are for Christian metal bands obviously :)

Graduating?! And such...

It is only slowly sinking in that I have graduated from university with a bachelor's... I can't tell people anymore that I'm a student when they ask me what I do in life! That's crazy. Well, I guess I'm an aspiring artist now but I'm not sure that really works. Now I really have nothing to depend on but God to give me purpose in life. It's scary but exciting too. Surely He has some sort of plan for me and all the gifts He gave me and then I won't feel so useless anymore. Actually, I'm thinking I might go back to school in music but maybe that's just so I can call myself a student again. But I do want to take guitar-playing more seriously in some way or other. In fact, a random silly dream of mine is to move to Norway, meet some hot Christian metalheads and form a metal band and probably sell artwork on the side as well. I also just want to travel around Europe and see what it's like, learn some history and see how their artistic cultures run in comparison to here.
But anyways, right now I know I have to stay put and take a break from everything and resist the feeling that maybe I'm just being lazy. For how can God transform me when I'm frantically running around trying to earn my right to exist and take up resources? So, I'm going to focus on growing closer with the Lord and making some art and music for myself.

Guatemala trip!

Woo I'm back from Guatemala!
And it was everything I hoped it would be (except for tiny blood-sucking flies), praise God! My good friend and I had an enjoyable, restful time and I really did get to spend some time with the Lord by reading the Bible on the beach and such.
We got to spend lots of time on beautiful beaches/in beautiful ocean water, ate good food, had awesome pina coladas and got to visit some cultural sites like Mayan ruins and the Castillo San Felipe which made me feel I was in Pirates of the Caribbean since the Spanish built it to fight off pirates in the 1600s.
I learned some Spanish, even played bingo in Spanish and marveled at all the different flora and crazy birds. I got to see a peacock, herons and graceful cranes just wandering around freely by the sea. At night there were tons of bluish-green fireflies that made me feel like I was looking at stars dancing above the grass. Ah, God's creation is so varied it's mind-boggling! I got to laugh at crabs on the beach skittering away sideways, saw a black bird eat a small snake and experienced an earthquake in the middle of the night which was really scary. It was actually the tremors from the lethally destructive 7.1 level earthquake in Honduras which was nearby. I was surprised everything was fine except for electricity and the phone lines.


Guatemala City


Enjoying the beach. I love hammocks now


This iguana kept staring at us


The Castillo San Filipe!


The mountainous Guatemalan countryside

I got to meditate a bit on Psalm 130 and 131. Here they are:

Psalm 130

A song of ascents.

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

² O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

⁴ But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

⁵ I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

⁶ My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

¹ My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

³ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

Well, I certainly am learning to wait and watch for the Lord. He is becoming a bigger part of my thoughts and I can only hope more and more of His truth will sink into me. My soul must calmly wait upon the Lord. Can my soul be stilled? I feel like my soul is suffering God's wrath for all my sins when I have my episodes. Isn't that the opposite of what I'm supposed to feel? I want my soul to be stilled, free from sin, despair and anguish. Isn't that what God's mercy is all about? And still I have these voices in my head; this twisted logic that is always self-condemning. Why does my soul accept those lies over the truth? I think this is my key problem. The counsellor I fired some months ago believed it has to do with how my mother brought me up. She may have a point. During my late teens my mom sometimes said how sorry she was for being a bad mother and all I could say was that it's not true. When someone is suffering from a life-threatening disease it's easy to forget their past mistakes so I honestly meant it. Of course she wasn't a bad mother but I regret my dismissive reaction. If I acknowledged her apology we could have talked about it and move on but now I'm left all alone without my best friend in the world and a heart that spews never-ending sorrow.

Sorry this all sounds so melodramatic but this is the first time I can admit to myself and the Lord that I regret some things I said and did to my mom before she passed away...

If you really are going to heal me Lord please give me faith that You will do so. The only faith I have right now is that I will be part of Your Kingdom in heaven.