Some more revelations

Praise God! He is finally starting to heal me and I'm so thankful. Mostly He's doing it by letting me have little revelations about myself, one at a time. I think the first one is what I mentioned about my mother in my entry about my trip to Guatemala. I finally admitted to myself that I had done things I regretted to my mother and vice versa and I never got to deal with it because she passed away. I wish we could've talked about how she wasn't always the greatest mother when I was young and how we both got lost in New Age garbage and should've trusted Jesus more. Maybe she would still be alive if she didn't get into New Age healing and I didn't encourage her in that direction. These are painful thoughts and memories but the truth really does set you free. I can feel I can start to let go of my idealized, eulogized version of my mom and remember her for who she really was: an imperfect human being who loved me and needs forgiveness from the Lord just like everyone else. I got so used to remembering her as being full of dignity, always well-dressed, proud and all-knowing. She always knew what I was up to and even what I was thinking! But seeing her become so sick, it was startling to see she was mortal and couldn't keep up her dignity just like anyone else who is dying. Maybe that was the only way she would finally become humble enough to receive God's grace and go to heaven...

Another major revelation: it finally hit me just how much I hurt God when I tried to live my own way with my boyfriends. For so long I felt sorry for myself because of the painful consequences of my sins and I got so frustrated at myself because I couldn't seem to stop but I was never actually sorry for them. But now that my eyes have been opened I am so sorry to God for my actual sins! What made it worse was that I didn't just forsake God's ways and go my own way, the whole time I thought I was following God but I just twisted His truth to justify my evil ways. How could I soil the Lord's name like that? Even in our best intentions the Devil soils us. Now I am content to live in humble obedience, keeping an open ear for God's guiding voice.

I also realized that people with depression are probably the most aware of how sinful and broken they are. They see the truth about human nature and thus despair over it. After all, part of the definition of depression is a strong sense of guilt and worthlessness. So, all they need is the Good News since they already got the bad news!