And it was everything I hoped it would be (except for tiny blood-sucking flies), praise God! My good friend and I had an enjoyable, restful time and I really did get to spend some time with the Lord by reading the Bible on the beach and such.
We got to spend lots of time on beautiful beaches/in beautiful ocean water, ate good food, had awesome pina coladas and got to visit some cultural sites like Mayan ruins and the Castillo San Felipe which made me feel I was in Pirates of the Caribbean since the Spanish built it to fight off pirates in the 1600s.
I learned some Spanish, even played bingo in Spanish and marveled at all the different flora and crazy birds. I got to see a peacock, herons and graceful cranes just wandering around freely by the sea. At night there were tons of bluish-green fireflies that made me feel like I was looking at stars dancing above the grass. Ah, God's creation is so varied it's mind-boggling! I got to laugh at crabs on the beach skittering away sideways, saw a black bird eat a small snake and experienced an earthquake in the middle of the night which was really scary. It was actually the tremors from the lethally destructive 7.1 level earthquake in Honduras which was nearby. I was surprised everything was fine except for electricity and the phone lines.
Guatemala City
Enjoying the beach. I love hammocks now
This iguana kept staring at us
The Castillo San Filipe!
The mountainous Guatemalan countryside
I got to meditate a bit on Psalm 130 and 131. Here they are:
Psalm 130
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; 2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
Psalm 131
A song of ascents. Of David.
1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.
Well, I certainly am learning to wait and watch for the Lord. He is becoming a bigger part of my thoughts and I can only hope more and more of His truth will sink into me. My soul must calmly wait upon the Lord. Can my soul be stilled? I feel like my soul is suffering God's wrath for all my sins when I have my episodes. Isn't that the opposite of what I'm supposed to feel? I want my soul to be stilled, free from sin, despair and anguish. Isn't that what God's mercy is all about? And still I have these voices in my head; this twisted logic that is always self-condemning. Why does my soul accept those lies over the truth? I think this is my key problem. The counsellor I fired some months ago believed it has to do with how my mother brought me up. She may have a point. During my late teens my mom sometimes said how sorry she was for being a bad mother and all I could say was that it's not true. When someone is suffering from a life-threatening disease it's easy to forget their past mistakes so I honestly meant it. Of course she wasn't a bad mother but I regret my dismissive reaction. If I acknowledged her apology we could have talked about it and move on but now I'm left all alone without my best friend in the world and a heart that spews never-ending sorrow.
Sorry this all sounds so melodramatic but this is the first time I can admit to myself and the Lord that I regret some things I said and did to my mom before she passed away...
If you really are going to heal me Lord please give me faith that You will do so. The only faith I have right now is that I will be part of Your Kingdom in heaven.
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