what am I gonna do

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Oh my God, what's the solution?? Monday is coming up fast, it's already Friday and my mind is spinning, trying to figure out how to get through the next week in one piece. Of course, there's always the easy way out; smoke myself into a stupor until the days pass. But then will I stay clean the week after? I spoke to someone who says drinking would be better because he got really hooked on weed too but I'm not so sure. On the other hand, my mom was really good at drinking and holding her liquor. She bragged about it and made fun of my dad because one drink makes his face turn red. Or I could make a sort of blood sacrifice to physically let my internal pain out, go eat her ashes as I've mentioned before... Honestly I just want to run and hide. And I hate feeling that. It never leads to anything good. Well, let's see, practically speaking I might go to an MA meeting tonight but I'm not sure. Tomorrow a friend has a housewarming but I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to be in a social party environment, Sunday morning I'll go to church and see a friend afterwards. On Monday a good high school friend says she'll probably have time to see me, and I also have appointments with my psychologist and psychiatrist. But none of that covers all the time I have to get through. I need to get rid of this dread and suffering somehow and soon. It's like daily torture and I'm getting worn down to nothing. And yet nothing looks good enough to help. Meanwhile, I can't decide on anything and things around me are moving again. Pictures on my wall are moving like in Harry Potter and I'm sober... at least for now.
God, please do something. Please relieve the pain, deliver me from the anguish. There's only so long I can wait. I just don't understand why I have to go through this yet again.

relapse?

I can feel it. My mind is twisting everything again. I can't sleep much. I'm getting depressed again. Every moment of life is getting harder to endure and all I can see is condemnation, no matter who I talk to. So I caved and bought hash and got stoned for a whole day. I went and saw my psychologist while high but he was nice about it and continued to treat me normally, saying just to not be too hard on myself for it. I was thankful for that. But later in the week when I went to the group therapy for addicts, I decided to be honest and our leader pointed out, "You've had a few slips with small amounts of pot from your desk, now you purchased more. The pattern is there. You are relapsing." Just great. It's because I need more help than the help I'm getting. My mom's birthday is this Monday and it's really freaking me out. She didn't even try to talk to me more after the group was finished though she declared I'm relapsing. Oh and of course, next week there's no group because she's going on vacation to Mexico. Maybe I should just throw in the towel until it's March. Besides, you can't overdose on it. Also, there was another lady there who used to do crack but is now doing better than me and she said she had a nervous breakdown last week. And all she had to do, instead of using, was call an ambulance and the psychiatrist at the hospital said her meds weren't strong enough so they got her a new prescription. I thought to myself, wow what hospital did you go to? Almost every time I had to go to the ER, sometimes by ambulance, it was condemnation all around. "Uh, does this girl really need an ambulance?" And then ER psychiatrists' words, "I don't know what to do with you. If you want you can stay here and continue to take up a bed in the overcrowded ER." Clearly, the hospital is not an option for me, maybe because of discrimination against my diagnosis I don't know. I just can't seem to get enough help as an out-patient. Pot is there for me when no one else is. Sad as that sounds.
My pastor said I should keep turning to God's Word and reading it at least once a day. I tried, but my mind twisted even God's holy, truthful words into just pure condemnation, rejection and abandonment. Everything I fear the most. My thoughts are becoming more and more about self-harm and I really don't want to go that way yet again but I still don't seem to have any good solutions. It's so frustrating. I wish I could trade brains with someone stable for a little while.
Please, don't you also get frustrated with me too. I'm at least being honest and staying away from the hard crap.

A quiet time for 15 mins

I used to pray, meditate, read the Bible and then write in my journal every morning when I was a tween. Well, I've never been good at discipline so it wasn't really everyday but I kept it relatively regular. But of course, eventually I couldn't keep it up anymore. So last week I tried again, this time doing deep breathing at the same time as meditating and I felt more calm and energized. It was awesome. While doing so, I had the thought that if Jesus is perfect, then he must have had perfect mental health as well. Yet he still experienced and expressed suffering, anguish, grief and anger and shared it with others. So intense, negative emotions are not bad to have. I guess the trick is what you do with them and to pray about them and then let them go. For some reason that's incredibly difficult for me to do. Anyways, I read a bit in Proverbs and one really struck me: (NLV) 19:8 "To acquire wisdom is to love oneself; people who cherish understanding will prosper." It's the first time I've seen the Bible very clearly stating that you should love yourself. For so long I thought that being humble meant hating yourself and how sinful you are. But as my pastor told me recently, you can only deny the self if you've accepted yourself first. So, as I've always done, I got ahead of myself. Also, it didn't help that I started studying the Bible at the age of 9 by myself with no one to guide me. I already felt mistrustful and rejected by people so I decided I needed no one but God alone, not realizing that God is all about relationships.
Of course, I only did the quiet time once last week and I don't know if it's because the devil didn't like it but I've been slipping and suffering ever since.

starting Via Dolorosa tab

This is just to let you know I'm starting the tab for Via Dolorosa. It sounds like it won't take too long for me to do. It's parts are generally repetitive and there aren't any insane, time-consuming solos. Still a good song of course. If you just want a help in the right direction to figure it out yourself, it starts with Dm, then Bb to C#. That's all I've got for now.

creative arts Christian small group

After many weeks of too much fear and anxiety to go, I finally decided I would go to the creative arts small group at my church. And it was wonderful. The couple who runs it were super nice and there was a large range of artistically inclined people in the group. Some have never done anything creative but wanted to try something new and then there were people like me who studied fine arts or photography etc. and everyone in between. One woman showed us her artwork which always had Christian themes and brought us watercolours to try. Though I wasn't a fan of how literal the art followed the themes it was refreshing to see Christianity and art come together kind of like the old days. These days I feel alot of Christians, especially conservative ones, are a little afraid of the arts since the goal is usually to defy the rules, make something different from what already exists. And in this sense, many artists are anti-religious since that's all about following rules and no change. But I think it's wonderful to take seemingly opposite things and smash them together. Like Christian metal! But I haven't seen much compelling Christian visual arts in a post-modern context. I would love to see Christian spirituality (not religion aka. legalism) expressed in a contemporary manner that could also be in a gallery or museum. Besides, themes on the purpose of life, human destiny, human nature and yearnings of the soul can be found in all kinds of secular contemporary artworks. I really want to contribute a subtle Christian twist to all of that. One day. When making artwork doesn't bring so much pressure to my psyche anymore.
Anyways, I'm hoping to become a regular at the group. We'll start doing paintings tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. For now, here's the watercolour I did. I'm pretty satisfied with it. A simple semi-abstract landscape; my favorite to do.

will you think less of me?

If I relapse back into active addiction, will you think less of me?
If I fall into depression and don't get out much, will you think less of me?
If I complain of feeling too much emotional pain, memories haunting me, will you think less of me?
If I find myself crying because of the smallest things, will you think less of me?
If I start hurting myself, cutting and burning my skin to feel better, will you think less of me?
If I purposely overdose because I can't take it anymore, will you think less of me?
Unfortunately, these are the questions I wonder about with my family and close friends very often. And sometimes I assume the answers are yes. Sometimes their reactions really look like a resounding yes which sends me into despair because it's such an extreme fear of mine; others' judgments of me. And yet, these are all symptoms of having BPD. I have to struggle with them all the time, less when I'm doing better obviously. And I still go for my therapy twice a week and go to MA meetings. But I also know it's quite the burden to know a loved one is always on the edge of crisis and I really hate being a burden. All of this is like holding a contradiction or dichotomy in my head and it feels like torture because I'm always flipping between one side and the other. It's like my suffering and symptoms vs. the well-being of those around me and somewhere inbetween, my responsibility to try to get better. I spoke to my group therapy leader about all this a little and she reminded me, all I can do is my best. So take it one day at a time, do your best and be satisfied with that. Don't worry about whether it's enough or not, or what will happen because what more can you do anyways? I guess I forgot and got ahead of myself because of my fears and past experiences. No wonder some of the main mottos in AA is 'take it one step at a time. Take it one day at a time'.

stigma on mental illness

I read this in the paper today and felt I had to write about it. (The Gazette, February 9th 2011. Pg A16)
The article said, "Shame and fear often prevents people from seeking treatment. The Canadian Mental Health Association found that more than half of people living with mental disorders said that they were embarrassed about their mental health problems."
I wrote here before about how it's inevitable that if you have mental health issues you are going to be ashamed of them. It's admitting your worst weaknesses and that you're not always sane. But must it really be this way? If someone has heart disease or lung cancer, should they also feel ashamed of them? Of course not. But their lifestyle choices could have contributed them to having the diseases, like smoking or not eating well. And yet, with a lot of mental illnesses, one has very little control over whether you contribute to getting them or not and still the shame is so strong. The brain is just another organ, as the heart and lungs are and all can develop disorders and diseases. It's not our fault so why should we be shamed and embarrassed? As with cancer, we need to be diagnosed properly and go through with appropriate treatments so we suffer less and consequently ease the strain on our loved ones and the health system.
But the public's attitude is generally of not much help either. In the same article they said, "The Canadian Medical Association found 46 per cent of the 1,002 Canadians surveyed for the 2008 National Report Card on Health believed that mental illness was "an excuse for bad behaviour.""
WTF?!! That's a sad percentage of Canadians who are ignorant enough to blame the victims of disease for their symptoms. That's like telling someone with epilepsy to stop trying to get attention by having seizures. As if they're doing it on purpose! It's like telling someone suffering from bad migraines to stop complaining and get on with life. These people are suffering and need treatment and help, not others judging them for it and telling them to just stop crying and get on with life. Believe me, if I could just get on with my life without help, I would've already. No one enjoys self-destructing and hurting the ones they love around them in the process. No one likes going in and out of ERs and psych wards just for the attention. No one has fun losing touch with reality and losing control over oneself.

pot/weed/marijuana/mary jane

I've noticed more and more studies coming out saying weed can make mental illness appear faster in people already predisposed.
http://www.montrealgazette.com/health/story.html?id=4243830
And then the comments of others on the articles are always disproportionately rage-fueled rants against pharma or conservative conspiracies. Look, I know more than anybody how many benefits there are in smoking but the unfortunate truth is that it all comes at a price. It may not lead directly to death or brain cell death but it still affects the same dopamine system in your brain as alcohol, cocaine and other mood-altering drugs. And so your brain still changes its physiological structure to adapt to the higher levels of dopamine caused by continuous long-standing drug use, including weed use. So you can't kid yourself, the stuff still affects your brain chemicals and it's not all good. It's that cycle in the dopamine system that eventually leads to addiction. Of course, alot of people can use weed and not have it become a problem but just because it doesn't give you problems doesn't mean it doesn't give problems for others.
And then of course there's the stereotype that no one goes to rehab for marijuana. I thought that too. That's partly why I refused to go to rehab for a year though my psychologist kept suggesting it. Well here I am. I went to rehab because of weed mainly. It is my drug of choice. And when I got there I met others who were there because of weed too. It's not just alcoholics and cocaine users. There were also people there only addicted to prescription painkillers, or speed and ecstasy and gamblers who lost everything, and they don't even ingest any substances. Then when I got out, I found Marijuana Anonymous meetings and at the first one I went to, the speaker explained that he got addicted only to marijuana, and it eventually got so bad he started robbing houses to get the money to pay for his habit.
Conclusion: the dangers of marijuana are statistically small but still very real.

a spiritual revelation

This happened to me back in December but I never got to write it down. I just came out of rehab for my first weekend at home (then I had to go back) and it was also Christmas Eve. One of the biggest skills they want you to remember and use is mindfulness. It just means staying in the present moment, not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Just being at peace in the present since nothing is threatening your well-being right in the moment. Basically, it's living while fully aware of the present. Getting high or drunk or stressing out like crazy are all opposites of being mindful. So, it was my first weekend home from rehab and I was stressing. Mainly because my family did no shopping whatsoever so I had to run around before stores closed and because I didn't have my usual crutch to deal with the stress. But I remembered I had a bit of a joint left in my desk and so I caved and smoked it. And then God spoke to me. I felt a spiritual connection open up (I'm sure partly because I was high) and God said to me, "Do you know the most important reason why you should be mindful of the present? It is because every moment of your life is a gift from Me. So, every time you try to run away from it with drugs or become troubled by the past or future, you are not appreciating my gift." It was a eureka moment. Aha! That's the true spiritual reason why one shouldn't be out of it all the time, aside from it just being bad for you overall. I'm so glad to know this, but alas, it doesn't make the cravings any less. But anyway, I hope this is a foundation I can build on.

the progression thus far

I know I'm heading for a dip right now but overall I know I'm still progressing too. I guess the road to recovery from BPD and addiction is really up and down but always still overall going up. Even if it feels super slow sometimes. For example, I know so much more about myself and how I think than I ever did in my entire life. By extension, I'm more honest with myself and God than I ever was in my life. I can admit that my mind is disordered, that I can't stand being alone, I don't know who I am and even small things can scare the shit out of me. And that I have become an addict and do need fellowship with others, no one can live like an island. I tried. Also, I can't judge or look down on anyone anymore. I used to feel a bit self-righteous when it came to people like the homeless, or drug addicts and prostitutes but I can't look down on them anymore. I am an addict and if it wasn't for my family I would be on the streets too. These people, along with the mentally ill and drug dealers and others on the edge of society are generally downtrodded, broken or suffering in some way. Now that I suffer so much myself, I can't look down on anyone for it. And I'm sure God is glad of this new attitude in me. It's so easy when you've got it together to look down on those who don't, like why can't you get yourself together? I did it so everyone else should be able to. You must be lazy or something. Oh how ignorant and pompous I was. This is progress, my heart is maturing in some way and this is something the devil can never take away from me, no matter how close to death I may have come or yet come to.

eep! Feb 21st is coming...

I had been doing well generally but then it became February. A friend of mine might be to blame for this since he was the one who reminded me I should take steps to face February and May better. But honestly I haven't figured it out. I'm just panicking. Already my mind has begun dragging me back into traumatic memories involving my mom when I'm not thinking of anything in particular. So, I'm doing my best to keep busy; see movies with friends, go to church events, listen to positive-ish music, keep cooking for my family. Today I made Korean-style omrice: an omelette but with fried rice inside. And I did my best to convey my desperation to my psychologist today. I guess it sort of worked because he gave me another hour more than usual which was kind, though it didn't feel like it. I hate talking about stuff that bothers me but he's the most sane person I know so I better open up to him. And he reminded me it's my mind, myself that's causing me so much pain. Not my memories or the fact that my mom's birthday is coming up. He says it's like I'm letting myself be haunted by ghosts that aren't really there. It can be a time to celebrate the good memories instead of a time to dread. I explained there's just so many intense conflicting emotions surrounding my mom that I'm having a really hard time letting go. I know it's all in my head. I guess I'm still shocked that she pretty much traumatized me in almost every way possible and all the way up to 2 years ago I thought it was all normal stuff. I know now that she was suffering herself and she didn't intend to hurt me but I still get mad. Then I get sad because I just miss her and want her back. And then the thought of breaking into the mausoleum and eating her ashes comes up again. That way she can never leave me. But then I'll probably start to freak out that she's invading or possessing me from within so ugh. Is there no way of getting happy?? Other than another joint of course. And that gets harder to fight off as well. I just start to wish for a little relief from my mind. I know I need to change the way I think but it takes forever and I'm trying, meanwhile I'm going nuts in the present. So why not turn to drugs again? But I don't want to get stuck in the same slavery over again. But I did slip twice now thanks to leftover dust in my desk. So I'm left with so few options, none of them extremely helpful. All I can do are little things to eventually get through the day without destroying myself too much. And so, if you're able to get through the daily grind without the world blowing up in your face, you have so much to be thankful for. Honestly God, I won't take it for granted ever again. Just being able to fully live, get through the day with your mind engaged and intact. I don't care if Your plan for me is to mop floors the rest of my life, so long as I don't feel like this anymore, with a mind that hampers me from dealing with reality.

Something not so bad in May

Ok I admit it. February and May are the worst months for me emotionally. The first one has my mom's birthday in it and the latter has the day she died along with Mother's Day just to rub it in some more. I really don't know how I'm going to get through them. Basically I hate spring season. But I found out that May is BPD awareness month in the U.S and that could be really good. We really need more awareness so there's less ignorance and shaming and more treatments. (And more distraction from myself for me!) Here's the bill they passed for it.

HRES 1005 EH

H. Res. 1005

InH. RES. 1005
Supporting the goals and ideals of Borderline Personality Awareness Month.
IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
February 27, 2008

Mr. TOM DAVIS of Virginia (for himself and Mr. VAN HOLLEN) submitted the following resolution; which was referred to the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform
RESOLUTION Supporting the House of Representatives, U. S.,

April 1, 2008.

Whereas borderline personality disorder (BPD) affects the regulation of emotion and afflicts approximately 2 percent of the general population;

Whereas BPD is a leading cause of suicide, as an estimated 10 percent of individuals with this disorder take their own lives;

Whereas BPD usually manifests itself in adolescence and early adulthood;

Whereas symptoms of BPD include self-injury; rage; substance abuse; destructive impulsiveness; a pattern of unstable emotions, self-image, and relationships; and may result in suicide;

Whereas BPD is inheritable and is exacerbated by environmental factors;

Whereas official recognition of BPD is relatively new, and diagnosing it is often impeded by lack of awareness and frequent co-occurrence with other conditions, such as depression, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, anxiety, and eating disorders;

Whereas despite its prevalence, enormous public health costs, and the devastating toll it takes on individuals, families, and communities, BPD only recently has begun to command the attention it requires;

Whereas it is essential to increase awareness of BPD among people suffering from this disorder, their families, mental health professionals, and the general public by promoting education, research, funding, early detection, and effective treatments; and

Whereas the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder and the National Alliance on Mental Illness have requested that Congress designate May as Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month as a means of educating our Nation about this disorder, the needs of those suffering from it, and its consequences: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives supports the goals and ideals of Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

Crazy list of Christian metal bands

Wow, I think this is the most extensive list of bands I've ever seen thus far. It's so long I can't really re-post it here but here's the link. I'm also saving it to my computer should it ever disappear!
http://christianmetal.hyves.nl/blog/29186294/Christian_Metal_List/-xVD/

For Christian lovers of Art

So very often, sincere Christians ask themselves and each other what is ok to listen/watch/look at and what isn't? We had a great guest speaker a couple weeks ago who touched on that subject at church. Short answer: depends. Does the song/movie/TV show etc. bring your heart closer to God or further away? We definitely have to be careful of what we consume but of course, everyone is different. There could be an R rated movie with shocking scenes but it's plot is about redemption or certain elements remind you of Jesus' character or you marvel at how well made it is as a whole or just at the wonderful backdrops or costumes or how well it unfolds human nature. Alright, it could be ok for you. Maybe someone of an older generation wouldn't see these things and just find it traumatizing. Then it's not ok for them. Even if Bambi wrenches your heart so much that you question God's goodness, then maybe you should avoid it.
For me personally with music, it's definitely important for me to purposely listen to some lyrically positive songs, whatever genre it doesn't matter. I know if I listen to NIN too long or some of silverchair's Freakshow when I'm in a good mood, it'll eventually drag me down and I know God wouldn't be happy about that. On the other hand, when I'm already in a bad mood, it can help to know others can feel the same way as me. But I've still got to sprinkle in some more upbeat tunes. For metal in general, I think enjoying the skill required to play it well is similar to enjoying God's skill in creating the beautiful things in nature. In the end, the best is to pray to God about it and listen/watch for His guidance for your own particular heart.

cold/asthma/indoor air pollution...

I've actually done pretty good this winter time in terms of colds. Last time I got sick was in September. And now I am sick from this past Saturday and of course my period starts at the exact same time and my asthma got triggered again. At one point I was afraid I would have to go to the ER again because my inhaler was starting to lose its efficacy. But thanks be to God, it's gotten better now. At one point, my dad dropped by in my room to see how I was and then went on one of his scientific rants (hazard of having a PhD in nuclear physics and mathematics) and declared that the rising rates of asthma in children is largely due to indoor air pollution. I mentioned some articles I had read in the newspaper about kids immune systems being crappier because of environments that are too clean, so what about that? That may also be true but his argument sounded logical and alarming. We've got too much stuff in our houses, workplaces and schools and we don't know what they're all made of. Plus they trap all kinds of dust and microbes etc. He said everything gives off tiny amounts of molecules into the air all the time and in the case of something like poisonous heavy metals, only tiny amounts accumulated over time in our bodies can start to affect us. Yikes. I always found my plush Spongebob looked a little creepy in the dark but now he may truly be acting sinisterly since I don't know what he's made of either. And what about all the other children's toys made so cheaply out there? Eeep. Gotta have less stuff. And crack open windows whenever possible.
P.S my dad's rants make it impossible to watch Mythbusters with him. He always announces how obvious that the myth is true/not/sometimes. He doesn't see the point behind it. It's funny and frustrating at the same time.