eep! Feb 21st is coming...

I had been doing well generally but then it became February. A friend of mine might be to blame for this since he was the one who reminded me I should take steps to face February and May better. But honestly I haven't figured it out. I'm just panicking. Already my mind has begun dragging me back into traumatic memories involving my mom when I'm not thinking of anything in particular. So, I'm doing my best to keep busy; see movies with friends, go to church events, listen to positive-ish music, keep cooking for my family. Today I made Korean-style omrice: an omelette but with fried rice inside. And I did my best to convey my desperation to my psychologist today. I guess it sort of worked because he gave me another hour more than usual which was kind, though it didn't feel like it. I hate talking about stuff that bothers me but he's the most sane person I know so I better open up to him. And he reminded me it's my mind, myself that's causing me so much pain. Not my memories or the fact that my mom's birthday is coming up. He says it's like I'm letting myself be haunted by ghosts that aren't really there. It can be a time to celebrate the good memories instead of a time to dread. I explained there's just so many intense conflicting emotions surrounding my mom that I'm having a really hard time letting go. I know it's all in my head. I guess I'm still shocked that she pretty much traumatized me in almost every way possible and all the way up to 2 years ago I thought it was all normal stuff. I know now that she was suffering herself and she didn't intend to hurt me but I still get mad. Then I get sad because I just miss her and want her back. And then the thought of breaking into the mausoleum and eating her ashes comes up again. That way she can never leave me. But then I'll probably start to freak out that she's invading or possessing me from within so ugh. Is there no way of getting happy?? Other than another joint of course. And that gets harder to fight off as well. I just start to wish for a little relief from my mind. I know I need to change the way I think but it takes forever and I'm trying, meanwhile I'm going nuts in the present. So why not turn to drugs again? But I don't want to get stuck in the same slavery over again. But I did slip twice now thanks to leftover dust in my desk. So I'm left with so few options, none of them extremely helpful. All I can do are little things to eventually get through the day without destroying myself too much. And so, if you're able to get through the daily grind without the world blowing up in your face, you have so much to be thankful for. Honestly God, I won't take it for granted ever again. Just being able to fully live, get through the day with your mind engaged and intact. I don't care if Your plan for me is to mop floors the rest of my life, so long as I don't feel like this anymore, with a mind that hampers me from dealing with reality.