relapse?

I can feel it. My mind is twisting everything again. I can't sleep much. I'm getting depressed again. Every moment of life is getting harder to endure and all I can see is condemnation, no matter who I talk to. So I caved and bought hash and got stoned for a whole day. I went and saw my psychologist while high but he was nice about it and continued to treat me normally, saying just to not be too hard on myself for it. I was thankful for that. But later in the week when I went to the group therapy for addicts, I decided to be honest and our leader pointed out, "You've had a few slips with small amounts of pot from your desk, now you purchased more. The pattern is there. You are relapsing." Just great. It's because I need more help than the help I'm getting. My mom's birthday is this Monday and it's really freaking me out. She didn't even try to talk to me more after the group was finished though she declared I'm relapsing. Oh and of course, next week there's no group because she's going on vacation to Mexico. Maybe I should just throw in the towel until it's March. Besides, you can't overdose on it. Also, there was another lady there who used to do crack but is now doing better than me and she said she had a nervous breakdown last week. And all she had to do, instead of using, was call an ambulance and the psychiatrist at the hospital said her meds weren't strong enough so they got her a new prescription. I thought to myself, wow what hospital did you go to? Almost every time I had to go to the ER, sometimes by ambulance, it was condemnation all around. "Uh, does this girl really need an ambulance?" And then ER psychiatrists' words, "I don't know what to do with you. If you want you can stay here and continue to take up a bed in the overcrowded ER." Clearly, the hospital is not an option for me, maybe because of discrimination against my diagnosis I don't know. I just can't seem to get enough help as an out-patient. Pot is there for me when no one else is. Sad as that sounds.
My pastor said I should keep turning to God's Word and reading it at least once a day. I tried, but my mind twisted even God's holy, truthful words into just pure condemnation, rejection and abandonment. Everything I fear the most. My thoughts are becoming more and more about self-harm and I really don't want to go that way yet again but I still don't seem to have any good solutions. It's so frustrating. I wish I could trade brains with someone stable for a little while.
Please, don't you also get frustrated with me too. I'm at least being honest and staying away from the hard crap.