12 hours

I did the stupidest and smartest thing the other day. I actually forgot my joints on the front porch and went out all day quite far away. It took me 2 hours to realize they weren't on me and panicked. I considered canceling everything and just going home but I decided to stick it out and see how long I could go. I went to the creative arts small group and chatted, ate, made cookies, played with the baby and then supper and had a cigarette. And pleaded for a beer in the fridge but didn't get it of course. ("I don't want to be an enabler") The activities were great distractions but it was still hard for me. I felt so out of it, shaky, anxious and uncomfortable in my skin and looking in the mirror sober was a little scary. My face kept looking like it was distorting a bit. And then the more depressing thoughts and outlook set in more. I feel jealous of the baby's so far happy, tended-to childhood. And then feel stupid for feeling that. And tired. Tired of feeling. And so I lasted about 12 hours clean and then went home. It wasn't as bad as it could have been but it's clear I need in-patient detox afterall. I'll be going in sometime in May. Probably the earlier the better.
One little thing to celebrate: one week no drinking. I hope it lasts at least a year.