applause?!

I was forced to explain to my bro that it's hard for me to really feel any passion or pull from the Lord. It's hard to hear His voice when your stoned all the time and it's one of the worst side-effects of smoking up all the time. Although occasionally it makes it easier to talk to God because it makes spiritual things more real but only sometimes. It also mixes in my own distorted thinking and perceptions and paranoia which makes reality confusing too. Anyways, these are some of the reasons why I want to stop. Why else am I going to put myself in a wretched, locked psychiatric ward again (sometime in May)? At this statement he applauded me. This put me in further distress, why are you applauding me? What did you think I was up to this whole time? And my eyes started to tear up. He probably thought I just didn't give a crap and was just having fun at everyone's expense. These are the stupid little things that bother me.