grandparents

My grandma (from my dad's side) called me recently. She's so sweet and sounds lonely and always says so sadly how much she and grandpa miss me and my family and how she wishes she could come visit but she's too frail. We'll come visit in the summer. And I always say "miss you too" but to be honest, I don't think I do. Which then makes me feel guilty. It looks like I'm one of two ways, either I'm so self-centred that I don't even care about those not immediately having to do with me which is awful or I'm so sensitive to emotional pain that I'd rather cut people out of my mind if I can't see them regularly because I miss them too much. I think this might be an example of my black-or-white thinking, an annoying symptom of BPD. But that's really how I look like to me. Anyhow, all of this adds up to feeling woozy and weird every time extended family call me and say they miss me. I feel bad for not returning the feeling and yet I know there's fear behind the tunnel vision I enforce on myself. Makes me feel like I want to be left alone but of course I don't like being lonely...