spiritually blinded

Sticking to one a day is now officially extremely difficult. I still can't stop smoking right after waking up and my bad old self keeps reappearing when I'm sober which is about half the day or more. And boy do I hate being my bad old self. There's an overwhelming amount of negativity inside me and it's easily triggered by just getting upset over anything. And it often snowballs into an episode of BPD-fueled dysphoria. No words can truly describe it but it's like I'm being painfully tortured by my own sick mind, like the dark and negative thoughts and feelings will never stop pouring out of me. I got triggered yesterday because the psych ward called me saying there will be a free bed for detox but like I've said here, I thought my therapist said I didn't need it and I got so conflicted inside, just trying to figure out if I should go or not and it was so upsetting being caught in between two choices. Plus the nurse basically just hung up on me when I said I wasn't sure I was going in so I got upset enough to get emotionally triggered which results in life feeling like hell. I tried my best to deal with it. Of course, the old plan of action came up automatically; I must relieve the unbearable pain so should I smoke up more? Drink again? Cut myself? Take alot of pills at once if it gets really bad? The compulsion to act on these ideas was so strong but I fought in my head, arguing that the drugs will only make everything worse, including the immense emotional pain. Cutting isn't good either but it's not that bad in the long term because I don't go very deep at all, so I did that. It helped for an hour or so. I also spent 4 hours singing my lungs out to my favorite songs and delaying any action to buy alcohol, called a good friend and called my psychologist for support. These little things (suggested coping skills) I did were helpful somewhat. I managed to not drink since I kept saying, just another hour without taking anything. And another and so on. But it was awful to get through and I still ended up hurting myself. I hate being in this very unstable state, not being sure if I'll make it to the end of the day ok.
Why do I suffer like this if Jesus has already beaten the devil and sin on the cross? I believe in it. I think the answer is that BPD means I'm spiritually very blinded. I can't truly see and experience God's love for me since I hate myself and my emotional instability easily takes over my perceptions and even my physical senses and any sort of stable foundation within, including my faith. Maybe I don't really have faith then. Isn't it supposed to be unshakeable? And it's not like I stop believing either, it's just that crazy turbulent emotions put me through the wringer big time and take over everything sometimes. So I just don't know. I don't know if anything's really worth it, if my effort counts for anything at all. What do you want from me Lord, what?? What's the point of all this... But what's the alternative? I know it doesn't look like much but I am doing my best to take care of myself since I know that's what God wants and I've just got to keep doing so, even if it doesn't look like it's enough. I guess that's got to be some sort of faith because I wouldn't keep trying to live right for my own sake that's for sure.