cracks

Ah, the quiet domestic life. Spending most of the time cooking, buying groceries, playing with the cat (Frank), going to church and therapy meetings, seeing friends once in a while... and most often stoned. Honestly not sure how my cooking is actually tasting better, given I can't always remember what I cooked. I can't believe how hard it is to quit the smoking and even the drink is oddly sticky but I haven't drank anything so far this week at least. Which is awesome because it makes it ridiculously hard to drive, especially mixed with other things. But I did go to two parties in one week and both were not good ideas. At one I lost track how many drinks I had and woke up feeling like I was having withdrawal and at the other I only had one drink but also speed and special k. How does that happen when I'm in a drug treatment program? Well, I'm the biggest hypocrite I know, to the point of feeling like different people in my head sometimes. But really, it was; ok it's my friend's birthday I should go and just keep the drinking to nil and everything will be fine. I get there and right away, hmm, these are mostly her husband's friends, not hers, not good. Oh he's got k, I'm so curious what it's like. Wow, thanks for free too? Yeah a little is good, don't want to be in a k-hole. Wooaoow. Oh you have speed too. Could be a good perk-me-up after the sedative effects. Wooo. Now I need to smoke up more to take the edge off. And so on it goes. It's like a chain reaction that's hard to stop until you start feeling unwell from it all. I ended up staring at the table for alot of the night because I felt too woozy to look anywhere else. And of course I did not enjoy the comedown the next day which made me smoke more too. What a study in stupidity. And perhaps desperation. And so, this and other signs are revealing cracks in my artificially peaceful existence. I've got to get more intensive treatment (unfortunately I mean hospital detox) soon-ish. But then I have to deal with May too. It never seems to end. And then I have my bro telling me I haven't accepted what Jesus has done for me yet. It is finished, already. But haven't I already accepted that before? How do you accept something anyways? I'm confused, and yes it's my fault.