like a deal with the devil

So I might not be the first to notice but doing psychoactive drugs on a regular basis is like making a deal with the devil. I don't even see at first how desperate a move it is, to basically say "I'll pay anything to feel better, for any bit of relief from myself." And how easy it is when you only have to pay more later. At first it looks like you only pay with your money but then you have to pay more later with your health, sanity and spiritual life. Then it claws back the benefits it used to give you so that you're forced to use only to function and eventually it can take everything, running you into the grave. And I can see all of this now happening in my life. I used to think that eventually the weed just doesn't seem to work as well without a break but actually it's because its negative side effects are getting worse as I continue to abuse it. So I'm getting more paranoid and more and more anxiety which cut through the comfortable haze of the high I get and it's getting heavier to endure. Every time I talk with someone I'm not sure if they're judging me, condemning me with every word that comes out of their mouths or not. I'm constantly on the lookout for invalidating statements that prove to me the speaker doesn't care or believe I suffer. It makes me more stressed and likely to yell and get upset. Also feeling scared of being watched by people on the street, like they can see my misery and problems. I really have to stop soon before I go off the deep end. No wonder my ex would take 2 week breaks from all drugs every once in a while and then go right back to stealing beer and smoking up and then break again. And you know, that's probably why I would feel better after being in a hospital for a week or 2 even though I would have awful episodes in the ER. Couldn't get drugs there, except for the time I got my friend who recently passed away to smuggle in a joint that I smoked in a bathroom in the psych ward and nearly got caught. I could never figure it out until now. I can't believe how much worse I made my situation by self-medicating. All that time I thought my cycling through being ok to being in the ER was only due to my BPD but my addiction was interfering and making things worse than they had to be.