cracking logic

For the first time in a while, I feel some relief after seeing my psychologist today. At first it looked like it was gonna go the other way again, starting to feel like my problems are just because I function emotionally like a 2 year old and don't do what I'm told. But then I let out a long rant and he said he heard me better this session. And so I feel relief, like finally someone listened to me. Generally I'm against ranting, it's usually excessive, emotional and not always very logical but it's still a genuine type of self-expression and I was desperate to be heard properly. I didn't relapse just for kicks but for survival. I'd rather get high than be miserable by myself in an ER, possibly losing my mind and hurting myself just to feel one iota better. I'm managing the everyday for now but I'm starting to get tired out and the smoking's efficacy is starting to crack so I need more even as I'm trying to cut down in the program. Thus the best I can do for now is to just contain the amount I use everyday even though the goal is to cut it out completely. And even that is getting hard. I just don't have very many good options or solutions for myself and it's frustrating. I really thought in rehab I would give it up for good, even though the thought was painful. Also, even in rehab where there's constant help from good staff, they still had to send me to a hospital overnight because I was too self-destructive. Anyhow I pray that God would guide me through all of this ultimately. I know He wants me to get better and that's enough for me to keep trying.