one a day

Starting today I have decided on a concession between the two approaches to quitting: slowly reducing and going cold turkey. I am sticking to one joint a day and I'm going to break it up into just a couple tokes at a time. Then tell them how it went in 3 days. So far it's already a bit up and down. I still get stoned but it doesn't last as long, so when my head is a bit more clear sometimes distressing thoughts or memories pop in. But so far it's sufficient for me to use the trick of seeing them as objects flowing in a river; they will pass so there's no need to hold on to them and freak out. I have to just let the negativity and cravings for alcohol and cocaine pass. I can't believe my brain is so hooked it just keeps craving other drugs while I try to quit another. That's a pretty big sign of being an addict. I guess it's about endurance now and keeping busy.
Also, I think a part of me agreed to this because the people at the center said I should go into detox at the psych ward but now they say the opposite and that I'm scared for nothing, it won't be as bad as before. Well I guess we'll see who's right then. Might as well start cutting down and if I start losing it or having episodes, then they can see for themselves what I've been afraid of since I'll be there everyday. It's like I need to prove how unwell I am. Which is stupid but I can't help but worry that it's all just in my head. Maybe I just think I'm unwell, I can't tell and it's frustrating. I'm further confused by my psychologist saying that personality disorders are not mental illnesses. So what the heck am I suffering from? I understand it's not entirely biologically based but it is partly. So what do you call them then?
And then I worry that I got addicted on purpose so that I have something to identify with and places where I can belong as someone who needs help with substance abuse because as someone suffering from BPD, there is nowhere or any group I can belong to and get help except for one DBT group that only starts once a year. It just makes me feel like such an outcast, like I crave attention for nothing and don't have any real problems. This thought is so distressing it makes me want to use more but instead I'll show them what happens to me without more drugs even if it means I become more self-destructive. Even in group in the day program others can't relate to my BPD problems. My issues honestly make me as if I'm on drugs or suffering withdrawal even when I'm not but for the others, they get better after just a little clean time. Lucky bastards, if only through a selfish point of view.