finally done Rites of Death tab!

Woohoo I'm finally finished the tab! And so I share my hard work with the world right here. I'm especially proud of the solo. I'm 99.9% sure I got all the notes there. Happy dance for me!
Anyways, this is a fun song to play and I know it looks kind of scary with so many 32nd notes but I'm pretty sure you can just cheat and not play all of those chords, distortion being so forgiving and all. But it is good exercise for your strumming hand that's for sure. As usual I kind of put two guitar parts together since I like to be able to play the song by myself (not enough musician friends). But everything for the rhythm guitar is still there, it just repeats during the solo which you can hear for yourself in the song so I didn't bother putting it in another track.
Enjoy, and tell me how it goes if you dare.

Old Times Cruelty next!

gp5 file:
http://www.fileuploading.net/366609

pdf file for those of you who should just get guitar pro already:
http://www.fileuploading.net/274862

rites of death tab note

I haven't forgotten that I said I would tab a whole bunch of Antestor's songs since there doesn't seem to be any online. Although I started the tab for Rites of Death in July, I sort of forgot about it in the storm of dramatic-ness that has been my life recently. I'm nearly finished now and I have to say, it always sounds like they use weird chords that would be tricky to figure out but then I find they are sometimes just simple bar chords played in an unusual pattern or something. They're so good at using simple parts and making them sound beautiful and melodramatic.

back from the dead...again

I've just been discharged after spending a month locked up in a psychiatric ward.
I've just been through so much it's hard to know where to start. But let me say this, I am doing much better now than I was last time I wrote here.

nostalgic

Perhaps because of the similarities I seem to posess with my troubled 13 year old past self, I've started listening to one of my favorite bands of all time from my teens, silverchair. I've rediscovered their album Freak. It's so darn good right now. Especially Petrol & Chlorine and Roses. And Johns is such a good lyricist and songwriter, along with incredibly good-looking...


Daniel Johns of course in the middle, looking so good
“{On Daniel Johns} Two scoops of yum with a meow on top!”- Perez Hilton
Agreed!

about relationships...

Been working through the freedom from depression workbook and it says I have a dependent personality. Meaning my moods are too dependent on the actions of those around me. Which is odd because I've always seen myself as a sort of loner, always keeping my distance from groups of people and therefore dealing with myself independently. I've never felt I had real best friends, not that I've been hurt, just never really got that close to people who had the time to spend. But now that I think about it, I've always had someone to depend on until recently. In elementary school I had my group of popular friends until I purposely distanced myself from them, then in my teen years my mom became my best friend: we talked about everything together and she knew everything about me, even if I tried to hide anything. Then when she went off to Korea to get treatment, my guitar teacher took care of me, even to a creepy extent. And I took it for granted that he watched out for me so much and wanting me to use my musical abilities to a fuller extent, while I just saw a creepy old man telling me he loved me. I still don't know who he was exactly to me. Anyways, after my mom passed away, it was a succession of boyfriends for 5 years until last November, when I decided being so dependent on boyfriends was unhealthy so I permanently broke off contact with one of them and then fell into all this depression crap. I miss them all so much. I guess I have a dependent personality afterall. With friends who don't have the time (I don't blame them) and a dad who also doesn't have the time or energy or wherewithal (I blame him abit), I'm alone and failing. I wish I was strong and independent as I thought I was. Now I just regret everything and I'm starting to sound whiny again so I'll stop here.

2nd Christian tattoo

I got a second tattoo! Just above the first one, with the same artist since he's so awesome at shading. There's a gear, which represents me and I'm being tested and purified by fire from God which represents this hard time of my life I'm going through. When it's all done, I'll finally be ready to fit into God's plan like a cog in perfect clockwork.

It's my favorite shades of blue!

the back of it

finally a psychiatrist appt

About a week ago I finally saw a psychiatrist as part of some sort of youth program near my house. She was pretty nice. Perhaps a tad too sympathetic, at one point I ended up making her cry... But anyways, I am officially diagnosed as clinically depressed with anxiety attacks which would be the episodes I sometimes mention. She has prescribed me zoloft and rivatril. Haven't started taking them yet, mostly because I don't really want to stop drinking. Lately, it's been that and the occasional smoke that's been keeping me sane. Ah well, I've got to keep trying so I'll start them, eventually. I'm just so confused these days. Sometimes I feel like I'm totally fine and I don't need any help. I go about my daily life doing what I want to do. Other times I'm worried I'm a lazy, melodramatic spoiled brat. Or that I'm just like those troubled teen girls you always hear about or are acquainted with who are moody, depressed, may have an eating disorder, have too many boyfriends, cut themselves and of whom all you can think is "Oh boy, they're just trouble. They'll probably never be stable for long and end up killing themselves or continually live on the edge of death" It's just too easy to judge...
Oh yeah, she also says I need a good psychologist to really get better, which I totally agree with. I pray I'll get a really good one soon.

Dragonforce show

Wow Dragonforce was impressive! My main reason for going was to see if they could actually play as crazy fast as they do on their recordings and the result of my research is a resounding yes! It made for an entertaining concert and I enjoyed the crowd singing along to the cheesy chorus melodies and the battling between the guitarists. I only heard a handful of wrong notes amongst thousands. Something hilarious I noted was how the keyboardist looks almost exactly like Pickles from Metalocalypse with the receding hairline and leftover 80's fashion sense! Plus, the super cheesy use of an electric fan to increase mostly the singer's dramatic hair in the 'wind' haha




Vadim of Dragonforce and Pickles of Dethklok. They have the same facial structure and red hair.
Maybe it's just me who finds it funny...

bands to check out

Mehida, Deutoronomium, Oratorio. Plus Skeletonwitch are bands I need to check out soon. The first three are Christian. Hopefully it won't be too hard to find their music...

Children of Bodom show

It may have been the best show I've EVER been to.
Opening acts Skeletonwitch and Black Dhalia Murder were both very good. I never heard Skeletonwitch before so now I wanna check out some of their music. I found their singer to be very entertainingly cheesy/dramatic with the chest-thumping and dedicating a song to the devil and all that. Of course, hopefully they're not actually satanists but I highly doubt that anyways. Looks like from interviews they're a really nice, down-to-earth bunch of guys.

Wow was CoB ever soooo awesome! I stood right behind the lighting guy who had the setlist out right next to him and it was a killer list. Looking at it made me even more excited for the show than I already was. They played nearly all my favorite songs: Hellhounds on my Trail, Follow the Reaper, Everytime I Die, Angels Don't Kill, Hatecrew Deathroll, Hate Me!... And as an extra bonus because they love Montreal so much they played Kissing the Shadows! And the sound quality was great and the crowd was going wild and now my neck is sore from all the headbanging while I sipped some beer :D How can a concert get better than that? And thanks to my new little camera I have some pics and video to show too!
Looking forward to Dragonforce next week to see if they can actually play superfast live!



Skeletonwitch


Skeletonwitch being dramatic


Black Dhalia Murder's singer literally conducting the band lol


BDM and packed, adoring house


fanciest sound board ever with 5 touch screens! maybe that's why CoB sounded so good


CoB!!


good view of Janne and Jaska doing their thing


Alexi soloing away


Alexi and Janne soloing sexily together


Children of Bodom performing Follow the Reaper. Unfortunately my camera's mic sucks ass so really the video is to show what the concert felt/looked like, not sounded like!
And I see blogger also sucks ass with video in general so I might put this on youtube instead if I'm not too lazy...

korea pics

Finally I am now putting up some pics from my trip!


some traditional tricks on horses


in the Folk Village


massive ceremonial drum


crazy shoe store!


crazy shopping district with pretty cafes and yummy restaurants


fancy display of shoes


example of innovative architecture in Korea


neat display of more shoes


me in Central Park in the suburbs


the southern coast is beautiful


a ceremonial palace guard change in the middle of downtown


where the last emperor used to sit


some crazy squash concoction that was pretty good


my last supper with family included the innards of sea urchin (in the red rectangle)


me dressed as a proper Korean young lady


the view on the way back home

back again

Now that I'm home, I realize my trip to Korea was a real high for me and now I'm alone and in the dumps again. It was nice to have a mother figure in my aunt who watched over us and helped plan our days. Now I'm alone again but maybe it's just that I'm childish and that's why I miss someone babying me.
I've also gotten very discouraged about my mysterious condition and it really doesn't help that I feel I can't trust anyone. I'm so tired of trying to figure things out, trying to do the right things to get better when I don't seem to be getting anywhere. I guess I put too much of my hope on the health system here and psychiatrists but really, I don't think they can help me anymore. I don't think they know what they're doing half the time. No one really knows what they're doing, least of all myself. I've thrown out all my medication and I don't want to see any doctors anymore. I'm totally fed up with trying to get myself help. Maybe I don't need it anyways. I don't know anything anymore. I wish this sense of desperation would stop and I would stop doing senseless destructive things. I'm just becoming more and more a fool.

Theocracy ain't that bad afterall...

I accidentally listened to Theocracy's Mirror of Souls the other day and discovered them to be better than I initially thought they were. They're still not in my preferred metal genres and generally I just don't enjoy 80's hair metal style music but these guys do it so well with beautiful harmonies and solid songwriting. In fact, they remind me alot of X-Japan... And their lyrics, oh their lyrics! Someone in the group is really good at writing proper poems!
I think Laying the Demon to Rest can be applied to my situation these days. I'm definitely in the middle of spiritual warfare and this describes it well.

Theocracy - Laying the Demon to Rest

As I sit alone and tired, with time to spare
Temptation rears its ugly head
Born from a deceptive dream into a nightmare
It calls to me again
Testing me to see if I will break this time
Or at least how far I'll bend
I can see its glowing eyes and hear its evil cries"Come dance with me, my friend..."

So, the things that I want to do
I find myself not doing
but the things that I don't want to do
I fall into - Why?
Why do we struggle with the former things and
live in our own power below our means?
War
Don't you understand this is war?
War with the principalities and powers
Things unseen that would devour us all
The spirit battles the flesh
And now my wounds are deep
and torn wide open
I'm tired and weary, hurt and broken down

Lead us not
Into temptation
But deliver us
From the evil one
Darkness falls
On my spirit again
Again temptation calls
I can hear it

As the battle rages on and on
I face the things that put my faith to the test
When fallen angels won't leave me alone
Father, come and lay the demon to rest
When my sword has broken off in my hand
I see the dark futility of the flesh
When I'm about to fall, please help me stand
Father, come and lay the demon to rest

They're on my back
I run, but I can feel their talons
digging in my flesh
Blood trickles down upon the earth
And I grow weaker with each breath
Each time I shake one off
another wraps its teeth around my neck
And every time, the one, the thorn is there
To tear me down again
The angels counterstrike
Their flaming swords slice through the fallen ones
The demons reunite, attack again
The cycle has begun
Caught in the middle of this present darkness with nowhere to run
We're in a holy war
As it is written, so shall it be done
Where there's a will, there's a way, they say
But sometimes my will seems to get in the way
So You will have to fight for me today

I especially relate to the last 3 lines. It's incredibly frustrating when it's your will that is the problem. We truly need God's love to be victorious.
I am most impressed with their 22 minute long song: Mirror of Souls. It's an enjoyable song and it's an enjoyable story!

Theocracy - Mirror of Souls

[I. The House Of Mirrors]
Listen to the tale I tell a haunting dream I know so well
When walking home alone one night
my path revealed by candlelight
Ahead I see an open door with no idea what's in store
I glance inside the door to see
a hall of mirrors beckons me
I take a breath and step inside
a tale of love and shattered pride
The door slams shut, I start to run
And it seems my journey has begun...
I run and turn from side to side
with fear and panic in my eyes
The vastness overwhelming me
mirrors far as the eye can see
I see myself in every one
I see the things that I have done
A thousand forms of flattery
the fear soon turns to haughtiness in me
Different mirrors, different shapes
my different strengths accentuate
Each mirror has a name and face
and all reflect me in some way
I look at them to see myself
to judge my life by someone else
The metaphors within replete:
the mirrors are the people that I meet
Look at the man you see - in the mirrors
The things you can be - in the mirrors
The glory of me revealed in the mirror's eye
The mirror never lies
The fire in my eyes - in the mirrors
The vanity rise - in the mirrors
The power of pride comes alive in the mirrors
Gazing in the mirrors I behold
All the greatest chapters of my story ever told
In the mirrors
The world is turned to gold

At the end of the Hall of Mirrors
I behold a golden door
I imagine all the beauty
the other side must hold in store
So I quickly reach out my hand
To enter the next room in this promised land
I pull the giant door open
To continue my journey, I step inside
But it slams shut behind me, and I'm back outside
The pouring rain welcomes me into the arms of the coldest, blackest night

[II. The Stranger In The Storm]
The light of the mirrors has faded away into distant memory
As the rain keeps coming down
My candle extinguished
I struggle to walk a path I cannot see
And the rain keeps coming down
The darkness grows with every step
I could cut it with a knife
As the rain keeps coming down
I can't see a thing and I've never felt so alone in all my life
But the rain keeps coming down...
Caught in the fury of the storm
(The darkness suffocates)
Body and soul weary and worn
(Another twist of fate)
Never been so afraid before
(The ending of this tale?)
Never should have opened the door
(From euphoria to hell)
I question my fate, my end
to die in this storm
Maybe this was the plan
back from the day I was born
But in the hall of mirrors I had felt so high
I cannot walk another mile in this flood
So resigned to my fate, I just collapse in the mud
If I cannot go on, I'll just lay down and die
Suddenly a light I see, shining in the distance
I make my way toward it with my fading hope reborn
As I draw near, the light is clear
Though the rain beats its resistance
But I press on and pray this is a shelter from the storm
Advancing now toward the light
I'm quickly moving forward
This hope has given me new strength
I thought I'd never know
But I take a step, and fall right back
For the ground's gone beneath me
And I behold, illuminated in the light's warm glow
A dark chasm, a great abyss
A vast expanse of nothingness
A pit that has no bottom as far as the eye can see
It spans the whole horizon, and there is no way across
My lonely heart is shattered and all hope I had is lost
I'm startled to feel a hand on my shoulder
I turn to see a shadowed figure standing in the rain
But somehow I'm not afraid of him
Even when he speaks my name
And somehow I can tell that he means me no harm
Just by the peace that I see in his eyes
And even though I've never even seen him before
It's like he's known me all my life
"Why are you crying?" the stranger asks
As I wipe away the tears
I point toward the great abyss
The source of all my fears
"I must get across and get to that light
For it represents my only hope tonight
But when I saw the chasm, all that hope was lost
I've spent so long in the dark and the rain
That the sight of the light made my heart sing again
But the gulf's so wide, and there's no way across"
The stranger smiled, and took my hand
He said, "But you are wrong, my friend
You cannot cross the gulf yourself, that's true"
He led me down toward the edge
And pointed just over the ledge
And said, "Behold, I built a bridge for you"

I cross the bridge toward the light
The stranger saved my life tonight
I turn to try to thank him, but he's gone
A long way to the other side
I'll make my way without my guide
No time to waste, for I must carry on
The bright light shines forth from behind
A door beyond description
Blood and scratches mark the door from ages of abuse
I'm confused no more, for above the door
Is a weathered, old inscription
"All who would see reality, enter the Hall of Truth"
And so I do

[III. The Truth Revealed]
As I step inside
I can see another mirror
A mirror so bright
That my eyes must turn away
A mirror so high
I start to question all the others
And as I stand there in the Hall of Truth
my heart can only say:"Show me the truth, I don't know what to believe
For the mirrors all showed something different to me
And my pride has given way to misery
I've spent so long in the dark and the rain
That the sight of the light made my heart sing again
And the stranger built a bridge across for me"
"BEHOLD THYSELF" a voice rings out
in paralyzing thunder
It echoes all throughout the hall
and sends me to my knees
When the voice calls my name
I'm overcome with fear and wonder
As I slowly start to rise
and face the great mirror in front of me
When I open my eyes, I have to close them again
But still the image is burned into my mind...
A face with eyes as black as night
A terrifying sight
The flesh rotting away in sickness and decay
It's mangled by disease
I'm unable to breathe
Tell me what manner of creature this could be
'Cause it's not me
I run away as fast as my feet will carry me
Back to the door leading into the night
Even the storm that almost claimed my life
was better than this
And so I throw open the door and see a man
(The figure of a man)
The stranger from the storm returns again
(To save me once again?)
I see understanding in his eyes
(He's seen this all before)
Maybe he can tell me what I saw behind that door
"Tell me what I saw in the mirror
Before I ran away
Tell me what I saw in the mirror
That face of sickness and decay
Tell me what I saw in the mirror
That left me terrorized
With the lifeless, blackened eyes?
Was it a demon
From the fiery waves?
Was it the undead from beyond the grave?
Oh the face that I beheld in the mirror left me paralyzed
Won't you tell me what I saw in the mirror on this night?"
"The light from the mirror you saw from afar
The Mirror of Souls shows all men as they are
You entered the hall and you asked for the truth
The man that you saw in the mirror was you"
"No! Don't show me the truth
'cause I don't want to believe
What the Mirror of Souls has revealed unto me
And the face I saw reflected cannot be me
Dying and lost in the arms of decay
I do not recognize the face I've seen today
And if you say that's my face I must disagree"
The meaning of these things I saw:
The mirror is the holy eyes of God
The truth unveiled before me
with these words of the stranger:
"The mirrors you saw in the hall long ago
Were mirrors of lies, not reflecting the soul
When you look unto others to see what they see
You see an illusion, deception, false reality"
I have seen my soul in the mirror
And it has broken me
I have seen myself so much clearer
Than I had ever seen
"Can't you take away all this sickness
from my soul and set me free?
You can save me...I believe"
And then he said, "Arise, my child
our faith has made you reconciled
Now gaze into the Mirror once again"
We walked together through the door
And I looked in the glass once more
But the only one reflected back was him
Somehow the only one in the mirror saw was him
Gazing in the Mirror of my Soul
Staring at the man who took my place
and made me whole
In the Mirror
The Mirror of my Soul

I think that's an awesome metaphor for life and conversion. I feel like I've experienced most of the poem except the very end. I still have a hard time truly believing in my heart that Christ has took my place and freed me I guess.

leaving korea

Well I'm coming home in two days and I have to say, overall I had a good trip. I suppose the highlights are seeing my relatives, especially my grandparents who are getting very old and all the shopping!
I had a realization the other day about Seoul. I was in a taxi driving along the Han river (which runs through the middle of the city) at night and I could see highrise after highrise of appartments. They looked like they'd never end and the lights from the windows seemed to form a vast, sparkling ocean punctuated every so often with floating red neon crosses (there are tons of churches in Korea). It felt like I was riding through a surreal dream about a metropolis where, if you had the money, you could get whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. It was the manifestation of the capitalist ideal; everyone trades and gets what they want as the standard of living rises. We are living in a dream world of ease and contentment, insulated from the harsh reality of poverty most of the world lives in. In Seoul, you are surrounded by beautiful people, awe-inspiring architecture, magical technology and markets selling nearly everything you could want until 4 in the morning. It's a beautiful dream but so detached from reality. We are in constant slumber and it's hard to wake up from a good dream. Somewhere amongst the innumerable condos the collective spirit of Korea is sleeping but nearly ready to wake up. Despite the materialism, Koreans can be very spiritual and I think God's light is stirring up awareness of our spiritual poverty. I sense God is doing some great things in Korea and I can't wait to see the transformation!
I think that may have sounded cheesy but I get like that sometimes. It's such a contrast from how I used to see Korea. I felt confounded when I tried to understand the Korean way of life and only saw the superficial side of things and hated it.
Anyways, I've totally shopped myself out and miss hanging out with my friends so I'm glad to leave but who knows, I might end up back here again soon.
I took tons of photos so some of them will be posted soon, including pics of me as a typical Korean pretty lady!

my aunt's nightmare

I just have to retell my aunt's experience when she was a new Christian.
I guess she was in her late 20's, married with children and had recently become Christian. She loved to study the Bible during her free time which was late at night. So, one of these nights she's on her couch reading her Bible and everyone else is asleep in their rooms. Suddenly she feels someone smack her back and pull her hair. She freaks out, turns around and sees no one there. Creeped out but still enthralled by reading the Bible, she decides to move to the dining room table and study there. Again, someone smacks her in the back really hard and yanks her hair! At this point she's really scared and decides to stop reading and go to bed. Obviously, it was hard to fall asleep but she eventually did and started dreaming. In her dream the door of her bedroom slowly creaked open and she saw a figure draped in shining white clothing. When she saw their face she realized it was Jesus standing there, smiling at her. But as she looked into his face, she realized he was actually smirking at her, looking down at her with a disapproving, menacing smile.
Wow what a creepy dream! It gives me chills, especially since I can picture it happening so well and because the Jesus in her dream did the exact opposite of what his true character is.
Anyways, my aunt got really creeped out too and eventually spoke to a Christian mystic about it. They told her it was an attack from Satan. She had become very threatening to him, being all fervent about God so it was him who smacked her back and then gave her the terrifying dream. It was all to get her to stop studying the Bible and trusting Jesus. And he was right about feeling threatened. Eventually it was through my aunt that my uncles, other aunts and my grandparents got saved here in Korea.

korea cont'd 2

I visited the Hongdae area in Seoul and hoped to see a local metal show or at least some sort of hard rock but I was disappointed. I only got to see some mediocre pop-punk bands and I couldn't even stay for half an hour because they pumped up the volume so much anyway. It was worse than a stadium concert even though the venue was tiny! It was so bad that even for such a short exposure time to the noise, I still have ringing in my ears a day later. I learned my lesson: either just leave or use earplugs because it's just not worth it to lose my hearing.
After that I had a wonderful experience drinking with my cousin and her best friend. Somehow I always end up talking about God when I drink. I think it's because the people I talk with are more open to different subjects of conversation when tipsy so it's easier for me to talk about what I care about most (of course not if they're drunk). It's like some bizarre form of ministry! Anyhow, they both told me about how they had their hearts broken by guys they really loved and in desperation turned to the Lord and learned so much about themselves and having an identity in Christ, not in Disneyfied relationships. Wow what great news! Now they go to church every week and really love to listen to the sermons! It was wonderful to celebrate their newfound faith and to encourage them with some lessons I've learned. No matter how hard or dark life gets, God will bring renewal! Obviously, I was encouraged myself as well. I was also amazed at how humble they became. It's such a change from how they were self-confident, 'perfect' members of society who thought they could get whatever they wanted. Talking to them made me realize that my decision to give priority to God over human relationships was indeed the right choice and that I really am slowly reaping the spiritual benefits. I felt the Holy Spirit being able to use me in my words and give me godly love for them, if just for a moment. I wonder if it's a glimpse of what's to come, after this dark period of my life finally ends. Having that conversation has made it worth it for me to be out here on this trip. Praise God!

korea cont'd

I'll start with the stupid crappy stuff first. The culture is so different here that I can't gauge how people react to me. For example, I have no idea if my relatives really enjoy us being here or if they find it a hassle to have to organize and plan things for us since we don't know korean. Or, with strangers on the street, in cafes or whatever I can't tell if they stare at me because of my blue hair etc and what they think; if I look unique in a good way or just plain ugly. Normally at home I just don't really care what people think of how I look but here I feel so clueless as to people's reactions to me and everybody cares alot more about looks here so I feel more pressure. Basically, I feel ugly and stupid and uninteresting here. I guess urban life in korea brings out some insecurities. Everybody is so much prettier here, so clever/smart (Asian genes and the neccesity to compete with others and crazy school system I think is why) and talkative and witty of which I am the opposite. I just don't have that much to say to people, I don't know how to be funny (I'm the one who laughs, not jokes) and I'm not loud so I hardly command any attention since everybody else is so loud while socializing and I'm terrible at logic. All of which is very unkorean. And I feel like everybody looks down on me for it. I know this all sounds whiny and stupid and self-centered. In the end, I shouldn't be feeling this way. My self-worth should come from God, not other people but I find it so hard to put into practice. I feel like I have no proper foundation, I'm just buffeted from one gust of wind of opinion to another. I realize now I used to get self-worth from boyfriends but now that I have given up relationships for God I feel so lost and alone. It's so frustrating because I know I shouldn't feel so lost with God loving me and such. This is all just so stupid. And I miss my friends. Sometimes I just hate visiting here.

Now the better things. I just saw Clazziquai in concert and it was amazing. The dance music was catchy (I don't usually think that so I think they are very good), the singing was great and the stage effects were awesome. It was a big production with lotsa lights, computer graphics, confetti and a Milky Way on the ceiling. Very dramatic. What was also interesting is that koreans feel they must have these coloured light sticks to wave around any time they attend a concert. My cousin insisted it's a must-have or else it's not as fun.
We also traveled to the countryside that's popular for skiing and it was beautiful there. You just see rows and rows of rolling mountains that fade all the way to the horizon...

some positive things about korea

The positive thing about Korea I take most advantage of is the shopping. I've already gone on two shopping sprees! There is just a crazy number of stores in the main shopping areas and you can really find anything in terms of trendy clothing. In fact, it's so trendy that I even like it. Everything just looks so nice so I already got two dresses and two more pairs of shoes. Plus, the prices can be very reasonable but still decent quality.
Anyway, my aunt seems determined to convince me that Korea's great and she took me to a very large park in the suburbs around 10pm and there was still lots of people about. There's always people around all night and it's nice to walk in parks at night since it's cooler than the day. That's the culture here so it's never dangerous to be in parks at night, there's communal exercise equipment and families even have picnics at night by ordering from restaurants to right where they are in the park and will even sleep overnight there under the open sky on a mat. That's pretty neat I think. In general, crime rates are low so you hardly feel threatened at almost any hour of the day.
Restaurants are great here too. there isn't really such a thing as a bad restaurant in Korea, there's just too much competition to be lousy and the service is amazing. Well, mostly in terms of speed including if you order out. It's kinda crazy, I don't know how they're so fast!

day 3 in korea

What a trip it was to get here! Our plane was delayed so in total it took 26 hours of flying and waiting.
To be honest my trip hasn't started off that well but certain people tell me this trip is a gift from God so I'm sure it'll get better. I just kind of feel lonely since I don't know that many people here and I'm not comfortable enough in korean to properly communicate with others. But we have activities planned and I'll see some friends so yeah.
I went to an english service today at a massive church (whose yearly budget is 12 million dollars, the minister boasted) and it was ok, very korean. The minister emphasized competition and following the simple rule that God will provide all your needs if you generously give to others and Him. The budget boasting came from him comparing his church and others and saying that because they give more than other churches, they have grown more. It's true in a sense and it's indeed very Christ-like to give but the competitive tilt to his message irked me a little. But maybe I just need to give more and that's why it irks me. It's just such a type A personality way of seeing the Gospel. And then I wonder why I'm not like that. I have a feeling maybe I was but then I just gave up trying to be the best at whatever. I guess I wish I had more ambition or willpower or competitiveness like my fellow koreans but instead I'm the opposite and completely broken but that's the way God wants me perhaps...
I went through another episode yesterday and an interesting question came to mind, does God think about me all the time? If not, how often? Somehow it's hard for me to believe He does, or if anyone does really. Bleh, I sound so whiny.
On a non-whiny note it turns out Clazziquai (a decent korean dance/trip-hopish group) is having a concert and my brother loves them so we're going. It'll be neat to be at a big concert here in korea. I've only been to a medium sized punk show here many years ago. Of course, I would prefer to see a metal show but the closest thing is NIN and Limp Bizkit (I'm surprised they're still around!) and I've seen both already and it just passed anyway. Maybe there's some small local metal shows going on around hongdae area...

back from New Brunswick, off to Korea

I just spent about a week in NB to visit family and it was good. I was happy to see my grandparents and for the first time we had a family church service in my aunt's house where my grandpa preached about the basics of Christianity. It was quite touching at the end because he explained why he was preaching: he knows he is near the end of his life and will go to heaven but his heart would be broken if he didn't meet all of us there eventually. It was a plea to make sure we would all accept Christ's gift and be reunited in heaven.
The basics I found most useful for myself are the 5 reasons Christ came to earth:
1. To save us from sin
2. To represent God in the flesh/show God to us
3. To experience for himself human suffering and how miserable it can be
4. To be the example of how we should live out our lives
5. To spread the Good News

And God's nature:
-Omnipotent
-Omniscient
-Omnipresent
-Eternal
-Immutable
-Absolute love, goodness, holiness

These were good reminders for myself but he did it mainly for those few relatives who have strayed from faith. This lack of faith has resulted in my 10 year old cousin having no knowledge of what church is for or what being Christian means so I ended up explaining to her as simply as possible everything! Then at church, she randomly took my journal and wrote her first prayer to God and it's so cute I'll cherish it forever! I hope she doesn't mind if I post it here:

Thank you for a good Earth and a brain. And food, books and a whole lot of things.
Good Bye!
P.S Nice talking to you

I pray that she would have more Christian people in her life who can guide her and help her accept Christ's free gift. Same thing for her mother too who seems to be disillusioned by the Catholic church and has turned to New Age concepts instead.

Now I'm preparing to go to Korea for a month starting in 3 days! Geez, so much traveling this summer... Anyways I hope I can learn more about the country and culture and society without being judgmental as I usually am. Frankly I find Korean people in Korea are nosy, rude, extremely conformist, close-minded, prejudiced against the 'other', vain, superficial and overly ambitious/competitive towards fellow Koreans and I hate it all so much. But I realize I am being closed-minded and stereotyping them myself plus my mom loved being there so much so obviously I've been missing something everytime I visit. So my mission is to find good things about Korea and it's people and be more at peace with my ancestral origins. And hang out with friends and go shopping. I'll keep posting from there.

back home

Well I'm back now from the crisis center and overall it was good there. I made some awesome new friends and the staff helped me alot in terms of finding more resources for me. They're pushing to have me fast-tracked into a psychiatric program at the hospital near my house which is nice since it's kinda hard to wait to see a psychiatrist for another 1.5 months. It was neat to be surrounded with people who have different problems and don't judge each other. We could openly talk about our issues and easily joke around at the same time. One guy suffered from anxiety attacks because of overbearing parents, another is a recovering alcoholic who overdosed, two were homeless, one had post-traumatic stress disorder from abuse and another was bipolar. We had a huge age range, varied backgrounds and some were on welfare and others were millionaires. It was so great to be in such a varied mix, get along and see people get better or at least less consumed by their problems.
I'm happy to be back home since it's more comfortable but at the same time it's kinda bleh. I'm not sure what to do with myself. At least today anyway. Maybe that's part of the reason I lived away for a week. It was good to get more resources and people help me in that sense at the center but I think I'm still about the same internally speaking. Not much change in my broken mind and I'm still confused about my episodes and what to do about them for now. But I know God is following up on me and won't drop my case.

more metal shows

To brighten up my recent posts I should just mention what concerts I'm looking forward to attending:
1. Children of Bodom!!! Oh my gosh I am SUPER excited for this one. I can't believe they're coming back so soon and this time they're headlining which means alot more songs will be played! I can't wait to drool over Alexi's guitar riffs and good looks.

2. Dragonforce! I actually haven't heard all that many songs from them but their guitarists are pretty fast so I figure that's something worth seeing: if they can actually play that fast and crazily live.

3. Killswitch Engage and Protest the Hero! Killswitch Engage has a few songs that I like and they're Christian so it'll be my first time seeing a Christian metal band live which is cool. Plus I want to support my fellow Christian metalheads by going. Protest the Hero is a good band too. Their specific metal genre is not my favorite but I like the frenetic feel of their songs and their guitar parts.

I'll talk about these shows as they come up. They're definitely not happening anytime too soon but whatever, I'm still excited.

new living place

I'm off to live in some sort of crisis center for a week to figure out what my episodes are from I guess a psychological perspective. Geez, look what happens to me when my pastor goes on vacation! This could be a good change, might understand things alot better, or it could be very bad. Staying there might make my condition worse since it's exacerbated by me just thinking about it too much. But I'm really reaching the end of my rope in terms of trying to get myself help. It's near impossible to get appointments with professionals and it turns out because of where I live, I can't go to the Victoria hospital either. So really, I'm willing to try anything now but I'm also about ready to give up trying and just go more insane all by myself. I just don't care anymore, the desperation has worn me out.

Victoria hospital + randomness

It turns out the Royal Victoria hospital seems to have more mental health resources than the one in my area which I have concluded is crap in comparison. There was a very nice lady who talked about their programs and how they work and it all sounds so wonderful... but I have to wait forever like everybody else in Quebec. This frustrated me alot at first but I have come to terms with it better now. Really, I just have to stop trying to figure things out and continue to pray, read the Bible and depend on the Lord.
Meanwhile I have joined a Russian martial arts class downtown and it's pretty awesome so far. It makes me so sore and I'm covered in bruises but that's a good thing right? It's kinda intense when the instructor talks of the different ways the Russian military came up with to kill people without too much conscious effort.

And the Fantasia film festival is here! I just saw Must Love Death and it was quite good. It's amazing it's actually a final project of a film student from Germany because it was really well done. It was a hilarious mixture of romantic comedy and gory horror torture. A combination of the best of both worlds! It's so sweet and silly but then so bloody and sadistic at the same time and even has a happy ending. I'm excited to see the filmmaker's next project.

crazy psychiatrist!

So I tried to reschedule my appointment but I keep being deferred to someone else until I finally get to talk to the psychiatrist herself and it turns out she sounds grumpy and worn out. Very similar to another of her profession that I saw once long ago and he turned out to be crazier than me. Plus, she sounds like my Gr.9 economics teacher who was just terrible and stupid. All in all, there's no way in hell I'm going to talk to this lady again. Maybe my dad's right, maybe they're all a little loopy and need help themselves...

Rites of Death tab planned

I almost forgot my project to do more Antestor tabs! the next one will be Rites of Death. It's one of my favorites. It's one of the catchiest black metal songs which sort of sounds like an oxymoron somehow...

bad relapse

What an awful relapse I just had a couple days ago. I ended up in the hospital not even remembering what happened or how I got there. I am disappointed in myself. I got myself stuck in a bad downward spiral and then my mind just went out of control. It's so frustrating. And I missed my psychiatrist appointment so I have to reschedule. Now the same old worries float through my head. Maybe I'm just lazy and spoiled or maybe it's the opposite and I try too hard and should let God work in me more. I'm pretty sure the parental unit thinks it's the first option. I'm leaning more towards the second but that could just be my ego wishing it so. Anyways, I wasn't getting better for nothing. This time I know I better focus on God than my own wretched condition. Besides, through inner turmoil I seem to be better attuned to God's guidance in general. Perhaps all this will lead to more creative than destructive results.

Some outfits

Just thought I would post two of my favorite outfits to wear. They are exactly the sort of thing I would sell in my goth clothing store.

Sometimes I worry that I'm too vain with my passion for goth fashion but at the same time, it's an art in itself that I like to express myself through. Wow, that sounded cheesy!

My favorite boots and a top from Living Dead Souls

Posing with my friend's motorcycle in my leather, metal-braced corset

A long awaited appointment

So I'm finally supposed to see a psychiatrist soon but now I really don't want to. I just don't see the point anymore. I've been through so much and I'm getting better and I don't think I can explain everything in just an hour since there will be no follow up. They're just going to almost arbitrarily prescribe me more meds. Plus, it pains me alot to explain my mental problems in detail. I don't know. Really, I don't know what's best for me anymore physically speaking of course. Aren't I supposed to have a better support system around me medically wise at least? It's hard to go out and figure out what programs are out there for people like me...

Some more revelations

Praise God! He is finally starting to heal me and I'm so thankful. Mostly He's doing it by letting me have little revelations about myself, one at a time. I think the first one is what I mentioned about my mother in my entry about my trip to Guatemala. I finally admitted to myself that I had done things I regretted to my mother and vice versa and I never got to deal with it because she passed away. I wish we could've talked about how she wasn't always the greatest mother when I was young and how we both got lost in New Age garbage and should've trusted Jesus more. Maybe she would still be alive if she didn't get into New Age healing and I didn't encourage her in that direction. These are painful thoughts and memories but the truth really does set you free. I can feel I can start to let go of my idealized, eulogized version of my mom and remember her for who she really was: an imperfect human being who loved me and needs forgiveness from the Lord just like everyone else. I got so used to remembering her as being full of dignity, always well-dressed, proud and all-knowing. She always knew what I was up to and even what I was thinking! But seeing her become so sick, it was startling to see she was mortal and couldn't keep up her dignity just like anyone else who is dying. Maybe that was the only way she would finally become humble enough to receive God's grace and go to heaven...

Another major revelation: it finally hit me just how much I hurt God when I tried to live my own way with my boyfriends. For so long I felt sorry for myself because of the painful consequences of my sins and I got so frustrated at myself because I couldn't seem to stop but I was never actually sorry for them. But now that my eyes have been opened I am so sorry to God for my actual sins! What made it worse was that I didn't just forsake God's ways and go my own way, the whole time I thought I was following God but I just twisted His truth to justify my evil ways. How could I soil the Lord's name like that? Even in our best intentions the Devil soils us. Now I am content to live in humble obedience, keeping an open ear for God's guiding voice.

I also realized that people with depression are probably the most aware of how sinful and broken they are. They see the truth about human nature and thus despair over it. After all, part of the definition of depression is a strong sense of guilt and worthlessness. So, all they need is the Good News since they already got the bad news!

Med Hevede Sverd Antestor tab finished!

I just finished the tab for this awesome song and more will follow for Antestor. As usual I have it in gp5 format and pdf so it's available to everyone! I'm pretty sure there are two guitar parts but I just melded them into one playable track plus some piano when there is no guitar part. The pinch harmonics in the solo sound a little wonky but if you listen to the actual song and follow with the notation it will make more sense.
I had fun tabbing this song. It's simple but catchy with time changes and just challenging enough for my level.
Tab for Med Hevede Sverd by Antestor:
gp5 format:
http://www.fileuploading.net/273605

Edit: The link below got changed or something weird so I uploaded it again, so here it is again
pdf format:
http://www.fileuploading.net/422969

June 2011 edit: ok stupid uploading sites suck. I'll update all the links in a new post within the next week. is there a better way to do these things??

Some alternative fashion talk

I thought I might start talking a bit about fashion here since it's another way I like to express myself. More specifically I like Victorian goth, cybergoth and gothic lolita styles. So, I will mostly talk about my purchases from the occasional store and the internet or things I want.

The first item I want to talk about is my new arm bracer. It's hand-made, real leather and was on sale. It was made more for LARPer's in mind but I love how heavy metal it looks. If something wearable is mostly black, with metal on it, then I will probably like it. It's perfect to wear to a concert and works like armour if you get stuck in a mosh pit!


Armour designed for the Middle Ages works for metalheads too

I used to looove Brown's, the shoe store, especially in the late 90's when I was 12 or 13. Now, I think it has gotten better compared to some past years but it's just not as interesting anymore. Maybe because they made a designer section which is insanely expensive and moved their cutting edge shoes there. Anyways, I've collected their catalogues over the years and there is one pair of boots I can never forget about. They have huge platform soles and look like they're from outer space which is awesome. Admittedly I don't have much cybergoth clothing that would go with them but that's not important. Oh how I wish I bought them when I had the chance! But my mom wouldn't let me, me being only 13 and such. I wonder if there's a pair somewhere out there, in my size and preferably black instead of the blue which I saw in store...


this image is from the 1999 catalogue I saved. I can't believe it's been 10 years!

tattoo is finished

Finally! And it turned out so well. It's not as detailed as I originally wanted it to be but it still looks complex which is the point. And I also love how it twists around my arm! I've made a lifelong commitment to have this tattoo that represents Christ and the Lord on my skin and forever in my heart, no matter what.

Antestor tabs planned

So a quick Google search has shown me that there aren't very many Antestor tabs out there which is a darn shame! So I will attempt to remedy this, starting with my favorite songs from them: everything from The Forsaken, Jesus Jesus Ver Du Ha Meg (including the crazy solo), Mercy Lord, Demonic Seduction, Searching, Inmost Fear and there's probably more but I can't think of them right off the top of my head right now. It'll be a big project but fun!
I think I will start with Med Hevede Sverd!
Meanwhile I'm slowly trying to learn Towards Dead End by Children of Bodom but I'm not used to scales and arpeggios so it's frustratingly tricky... Learning my own tabs of Kalmah has been easier which is awesome because my speed is improving!
ps: If anyone who plays guitar is reading this, please do not hesitate to request tabs. Especially if they are for Christian metal bands obviously :)

Graduating?! And such...

It is only slowly sinking in that I have graduated from university with a bachelor's... I can't tell people anymore that I'm a student when they ask me what I do in life! That's crazy. Well, I guess I'm an aspiring artist now but I'm not sure that really works. Now I really have nothing to depend on but God to give me purpose in life. It's scary but exciting too. Surely He has some sort of plan for me and all the gifts He gave me and then I won't feel so useless anymore. Actually, I'm thinking I might go back to school in music but maybe that's just so I can call myself a student again. But I do want to take guitar-playing more seriously in some way or other. In fact, a random silly dream of mine is to move to Norway, meet some hot Christian metalheads and form a metal band and probably sell artwork on the side as well. I also just want to travel around Europe and see what it's like, learn some history and see how their artistic cultures run in comparison to here.
But anyways, right now I know I have to stay put and take a break from everything and resist the feeling that maybe I'm just being lazy. For how can God transform me when I'm frantically running around trying to earn my right to exist and take up resources? So, I'm going to focus on growing closer with the Lord and making some art and music for myself.

Guatemala trip!

Woo I'm back from Guatemala!
And it was everything I hoped it would be (except for tiny blood-sucking flies), praise God! My good friend and I had an enjoyable, restful time and I really did get to spend some time with the Lord by reading the Bible on the beach and such.
We got to spend lots of time on beautiful beaches/in beautiful ocean water, ate good food, had awesome pina coladas and got to visit some cultural sites like Mayan ruins and the Castillo San Felipe which made me feel I was in Pirates of the Caribbean since the Spanish built it to fight off pirates in the 1600s.
I learned some Spanish, even played bingo in Spanish and marveled at all the different flora and crazy birds. I got to see a peacock, herons and graceful cranes just wandering around freely by the sea. At night there were tons of bluish-green fireflies that made me feel like I was looking at stars dancing above the grass. Ah, God's creation is so varied it's mind-boggling! I got to laugh at crabs on the beach skittering away sideways, saw a black bird eat a small snake and experienced an earthquake in the middle of the night which was really scary. It was actually the tremors from the lethally destructive 7.1 level earthquake in Honduras which was nearby. I was surprised everything was fine except for electricity and the phone lines.


Guatemala City


Enjoying the beach. I love hammocks now


This iguana kept staring at us


The Castillo San Filipe!


The mountainous Guatemalan countryside

I got to meditate a bit on Psalm 130 and 131. Here they are:

Psalm 130

A song of ascents.

¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

² O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

³ If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

⁴ But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

⁵ I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

⁶ My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

¹ My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

² But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

³ O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

Well, I certainly am learning to wait and watch for the Lord. He is becoming a bigger part of my thoughts and I can only hope more and more of His truth will sink into me. My soul must calmly wait upon the Lord. Can my soul be stilled? I feel like my soul is suffering God's wrath for all my sins when I have my episodes. Isn't that the opposite of what I'm supposed to feel? I want my soul to be stilled, free from sin, despair and anguish. Isn't that what God's mercy is all about? And still I have these voices in my head; this twisted logic that is always self-condemning. Why does my soul accept those lies over the truth? I think this is my key problem. The counsellor I fired some months ago believed it has to do with how my mother brought me up. She may have a point. During my late teens my mom sometimes said how sorry she was for being a bad mother and all I could say was that it's not true. When someone is suffering from a life-threatening disease it's easy to forget their past mistakes so I honestly meant it. Of course she wasn't a bad mother but I regret my dismissive reaction. If I acknowledged her apology we could have talked about it and move on but now I'm left all alone without my best friend in the world and a heart that spews never-ending sorrow.

Sorry this all sounds so melodramatic but this is the first time I can admit to myself and the Lord that I regret some things I said and did to my mom before she passed away...

If you really are going to heal me Lord please give me faith that You will do so. The only faith I have right now is that I will be part of Your Kingdom in heaven.

quick update

Ok, so I'm going tomorrow morning to Guatemala for a week and I'll be back on Sunday. I'm so excited I can't believe I'm actually going! My friend will take many pictures, perhaps I will post one or two.
My tattoo is looking soo awesome but it's still not finished! The artist just has to fill it in with shading, I can't wait!
I hope the trip will be fun and restful and that I will be able to spend some quiet time with the Lord...

I've been delayed

Yes, I haven't written in a while yet again but that's because I've been crazy busy printing 4 colours in 1.5 weeks (which is insanity because I would usually take a week to do one colour) and before that, I was sick with an intestinal virus and did end up in the hospital because of it. Thankfully I'm all better now and I only have one more colour to go on my print, then I'll finally be done my BFA! And then it's off to Guatemala for a week! Plus, I'm getting my tattoo done today! Wow, I'm so busy these days...
Also, thankfully I haven't had an episode that stopped me from working on my print. Thank you Lord!

Opeth and Gojira concerts well worth it

Thankfully the intestinal virus didn't keep me from going to see Opeth and Gojira!
I saw Opeth for the second time and they didn't disappoint. They are great to see live over and over again because they hardly play a song twice thanks to their huge number of songs. This time they played an awesome mix of songs from Ghost Reveries, Watershed, Orchid and other older albums. The singer had his usual sense of humour and made fun of a cheesy 80's metal band that declared themselves the kings of metal in one of their songs (!) and then declared Opeth the kings of metal and I almost very damn well agree! Innovative metal is like a reflex to them. As usual they sounded great and he also thought so in terms of sound quality and mixing which he added is something they usually don't think while on tour.
Unfortunately he also declared that they are going to take a break from touring and writing for a little while for some well-deserved rest.

I was so excited to see Gojira because I didn't think they would come here from France but apparently it was something like their fifth time playing here! They played lots of songs from their latest 2 albums so I was very happy. Their sound was good and the singer effortlessly sounded the same as on their recordings which I found impressive since he does an odd combination of a metal growl and a punk scream where you can still hear the pitch. They had everyone united in synchronized headbanging, clearly showing we all had a good time.

So, now I don't have anymore concerts to look forward to but I'm sure more metal bands will come along during the summer because Montreal is metal awesomeness.

worst day of my life? well almost maybe...

I can't believe it. I thought I would be well by now but it has become obvious that I have suffered some sort of crazy food poisoning or something like that and it's been almost 4 days. I couldn't eat anything yesterday and not much the days before. But unfortunately my appetite is still normal! A Google search has told me that means it's time to go to the hospital. (I almost couldn't go see Opeth yesterday but I managed to and they were awesome. I'll talk more about that later.)
On top of my physical miseries it is the 5th anniversary of my mother's death. Happy anniversary to me whoopey. So, I have to somehow manage to get my sorry ass to the cemetery downtown and still have enough time to see my doctor today... I better be well enough by the time Gojira comes... Why why God why??

tattoo part 1

On Monday I got my tattoo! But only part of it. The designs from the book of Kells will happen sometime next week. This part is Christ's monogram. The letters that look like P and X are the first two letters of Christ's name in Greek. The early Christians used this symbol to recognize each other when they were being persecuted by the Romans (I think) and it is what Constantine saw in a vision in the stars which brought him victory and made Christianity the state religion. I was a bit nervous about how it would feel because I knew it would definitely hurt but luckily two of my friends came along and chatted with me the whole time so I was distracted from the pain. It wasn't too bad and in the end they weren't sure if I even felt any pain judging from my reactions. But it stung quite a bit for the next day or two. It's pretty good now and I can't wait to see what the tattoo artist comes up with for the rest of the designs that will go round my arm!

beautiful sad dream

I have to be careful not to upset myself, but I had a dream I would like to remember. Well, I only remember a part of it now. I dreamt I went to the greenhouse of a flower shop and bought all sorts of flowers and plants and bushes and brought them home. In the backyard there was a tent-like structure over a patio and all the plants I had bought were already there. I stood back and admired all of them; there were yellow ones, roses, lilies and all kinds of exotic ones I never saw before. I thought to myself, "this would be a great present for Mommy" and suddenly she was there just smelling some flowers. She said, "these are all for me? There's so many!" I was so happy to see her but then I remembered I shouldn't be seeing her in reality. I sat down beside her and we watched the sun setting behind bare trees not yet in bloom. She looked around the garden and said "there's still weeds and some flowers already wilting" as she examined a magnolia tree nearby. I looked around but there were far more flowers in bloom than wilting ones and not many weeds. In fact, I was in awe at how beautiful all the flowers were, especially the cherry blossoms. I was so happy to see her, even if she wasn't totally impressed, but I knew at the same time it couldn't be real and so I was so sad at the same time.

On a related note, May is the worst month ever. EVER!! I don't know how I'm going to get through it once the concerts are over and I'm not excited about my tattoo anymore...

alcohol not a good solution...

I don't know how some people like to drink their sorrows away on a regular basis. It's so hard on the body. No wonder alcoholics die young! In my search for ways to deal with my episodes I thought well if other people do it, maybe I should try. Moderation is truly my friend now! I guess everyone should get drunk off their asses once in their lives but it's definitely not good when you can't remember half the night. Well, apparently I was raving to myself about how beautiful God is and how Jesus is so good and will save me from my troubles! At least I know somewhere inside of me I'm actually very happy...

enduring/tattoo/school

I've been doing better these days, a friend of mine says there's more pep in my voice which I guess is a good thing? I feel like some of God's truth and love is trickling in a little into my heart which is awesome. I can't really explain it but anyways it is good to look towards Jesus and study the Word! It is also good to listen to Christian metal, especially when the lyrics are biblically based or have hope etc. I love the song Endure by Becoming the Archetype. I can relate so well to the lyrics and I need to keep telling myself to endure the spiritual and mental pain because my only other choice is death and hell and God will save me from myself and these things. Wow, that's pretty bad sentence structure but I'm sure it's clear enough. Here's the lyrics:

Endure - Becoming the Archetype

This life is an open wound that will not heal.
I cry out to God with all of my strength.
Desperately, I reach for Him in the night.
This misery keeps my eyes from closing, keeps my mouth from being able to speak.
Is this as far as the arm of God extends?
Has the fire burned itself out?
There is no profit in this way of thinking.
I must escape this frame of mind.
And when I think of all He has done, when I consider all that He is, I am complete.

And so I shall endure but at the same time, I feel so weak. My mind occasionally rebels against me and craves destruction. I need something physical to help me remember and understand Jesus' saving grace. I think alot of Protestant Christians today have underestimated the importance of ritual or physical manifestations of our faith. It's just part of human nature to need these things once in a while. Thus, I am going to get a tattoo. And it's my gut feeling (and more) that it is God's Will, and something that will help me in my faith. There's the above reason which is the main one and needling ink under my skin is just painful/extreme enough to mirror my spiritual pain. The permanence is great because it will be Christ's monogram and designs from the book of Kells which is a manuscript of the Bible illuminated by Irish monks in the dark ages. These are things I would never want erased from my skin or my heart. What I find most fascinating is that these old manuscripts are so intricately decorated because monks would work on them their whole lives and contemplate God's mysterious and complex nature as they illuminated them. It is like peeking into God's nature when you look at the incredibly detailed designs and get lost in them.



So, I thought it would be so awesome if there was a Christian tattoo artist who could benefit while doing my tattoo by also contemplating as the monks did but does a Christian tattoo artist exist? To my surprise, there's even a Christian tattoo artists' association! But would I find one here in Montreal where so many people are militantly secular? Again to my surprise, there's one in a reputable shop just down the street from my school! Wow. I have a consultation with him in two days. I also found this site which I found quite helpful for Biblical references to tattooing:
http://www.religioustattoos.net/

Some more good news; I'm almost done the work for my last semester! Art theory class is done, I just need to write some exhibition reviews for painting class and then that's done, and I have a long extension for lithography class to do one minimum 6 colour print! I can't believe I'm graduating...

so many shows!!!

The first week of May is going to be killer! Opeth, Mastodon and Gojira are all coming that week to here in Montreal!!!! Me and my bud are going to all of them, ALL OF THEM! I can't wait...

Lamb of god + Children of Bodom in Montreal = mayhem!

Wow where to start! I'm sore all over and my ears are ringing from the sonic assault of last night's amazing show!
Well first of all, me and my buddy had no idea what or where the Cepsum was so we were both quite taken aback when we entered and found at least 1000 people inside a big venue! We walked in on As I Lay Dying's set (I hear they're Christian) which sounded decent but we were off to the side so we couldn't hear them very clearly, the crowd loved them.
After that, we knew Children of Bodom would be next so we moved closer to the stage in the middle. This is something I don't usually do because that's always where mosh pits form but I reallly wanted to see Alexi! I have some silly preteen crush on the guy. He's so hot and charismatic and an amazing guitar player! So, I just figured when the mosh pits would start we could just move to the side. Boy was I so wrong. After Children of Bodom introduced themselves with an old pop song and a track of them saying fuck many times over in different voices (they're so silly and funny), the entire floor became one huge mosh pit and there was no escape! I was not planning on being in mosh pits anymore (those were my teen years) but we had no choice. It was nuts! I nearly fell over at first, got squished alot but the energy in the crowd was great so it was fun in a kind of dangerous way. And their set was awesome. They played a couple songs from the new album Blooddrunk, the best from Are You Dead Yet? and they ended with Downfall! I'm probably forgetting others but yeah, Alexi's solos were mindboggling and the whole band was tight.
It was only after their set that we had a chance to get out of the mosh pit and we managed to secure an amazing spot where we were still close to the stage but not in the pit so we really got to enjoy Lamb of god's set! Generally I like their music but I don't like to listen to it too much because after a while I get bored by the lack of chord progressions or melodies but in concert they are amazingly energetic which makes for an insane show. They played their songs even better than on their albums and truly the singer has no lack of energy. He was screaming his lungs out with incredible tonal range and pacing the stage like a wild animal. I was glad I wasn't in the mosh pit anymore! At the end, the singer asked for the biggest circle pit he'd seen so far in the tour and he sure got it! Pretty much the whole floor was taken up by people running and pushing each other in a vicious circle. It was really neat to see it, while not being in it.

(Side note: Even though this all sounds quite violent, most metalheads are super nice and courteous. One big guy pushed people away from me in the pit when I asked him, another gave up his place in a safe spot for a girl who was clearly overwhlemed by the mosh pit.)

It was funny how the singer dedicated Redneck to Alexi because he got totally plastered the night before at a party! Also, Alexi dedicated Blooddrunk to anybody who has done stupid things while plastered, like how he broke his shoulder by jumping out of the tour bus window while drunk! This all makes me want to have a drink with friends, an impulse I have not had in a while since I've been depressed and think they don't really care. (Which I know is not true.) Of course, I don't want to get plastered though. Vomiting does not seem like an attractive venture to me.
Anyways, it was a crazy, energetic, exciting and amazing show!